Still spazzing a bit

Guy on sidewalk today outside of city hall, a sidewalk that was about 3 people wide, walking towards me, then freezes up and goes tharn as I crutch down the sidewalk in his direction, apparently terrifying and unpredictable as a hurtling freight train gone amok. Dude. I am not a hrududu. I'm just a purple haired chick on crutches. You can just keep walking. Nothing bad will happen! Perhaps a robot-aracho-phobia sparked by the long spindly metallic extra legs?

I've seen it before with bicycles and skates and wheelchairs, never before now for crutches. It was kind of funny.

So, I shouldn't have gone out, but it was only 1 errand, five minutes away, with a good parking space... Ugh! That didn't matter! It hurt like hell and now I'm paying for it in extra pain and limping. I thought it could be a test run for what it might be like to drive to class tomorrow.

Noodled around on the web. For a fair bit of money, $225, I could rent a segway for a day including pickup and delivery. I was imagining the different reactions, instead of "OMG what HAPPENED to you!" (tone of shock and horror) it would be all like "OMG you lucky dog and queen of nerds, you have a segway!"

I just called all 30 of my students and told them class is cancelled tomorrow. This *so* doesn't help that I'm missing 2 classes in a row. I feel horrible about it. I haven't been able to work as much as I wanted to, and also missing class, and not being able to do anything or take care of Moomin or the house. It is frustrating as hell and I feel that I am failing everyone and failing in everything. What I'm seeing is that I was already overscheduled, barely hanging on, and therefore there was no room for error. So, that was bad. Rook patted me and tried to point out that I base my whole self esteem and worthiness on my productivity and so I should try not to, and try not to fall apart. I can see this, but it's still very difficult. I will try to make clear to-do lists for myself for the rest of the week -- small, reasonable ones that take into account that I'm having some difficulties with a fairly basic function and it is reasonable to slow way way down until better.

Woke up at 4am, too, worrying endlessly about that one thing I said I'd do, but haven't done, and was setting aside to look at all once, which would be now or a few days ago, and that I need to back out of, because I don't think I can... This all feels like a lesson in failure, and the lesson is hitting my limits and needing to slow down. NOT some mystical thing about stress and the body -- anyone could slip a disk while gardening and moving furniture and not paying attention to posture! But what I said before, "not leaving any room for error" - no leeway in life for anything to go off - no fault tolerance built in. I knew that was true, and would last till the end of May. So, should have been ruthless in protecting some down time for myself and developing backup.

Realized suddenly that my mom-club membership had expired (though I thought I paid it). 5 years in that thing paying their dues and making meals for new moms and people in difficulty, and now the bitches, I can't call in a favor. I could just slap the whole lot of them, all 400+. Mother of God, that pisses me off and seems unfair, somehow. Yet then I think of going on the web site and writing to one of the officers and asking, or worse, signing up again to pay the dues just to ask for a free meal and you know? Fuck it I can order from waiters on wheels! In theory, there is food here. In practice, it hurts to stand up and go cook it. Anyway. WOW it is.

MRI discussed yet again but still not scheduled. My oomph and forcefulness is not at its oomphiest. I keep using it up. It's unclear, still, than an MRI will really change anything in treatment.

Oh, but, good news, I have prednisone tonight so maybe that'll help in a big way.

*endless drivel and dithering about my back* *sorry*

Technorati Tags: anxieties, daily life, disability, pain

Comments

[JM]

Dude, I can totally make you all a casserole. What do you like? I'll consider it a bribe to get my books back. :)

[badgermama]

I won't say no... Your books are neatly piled on my desk, too!

I'm in bed cussing the pain at the moment, but fortunately well fed with potstickers.

[squid]

Write to Hamy Enley. She is the new co-chair of the moms' club and will totally fucking take care of you. Or I can do it for you, she is at Iron Gate with me and seems to be more One of Us and less Stepford.

Hamy .... at .... enley .... . .... org.

And of course I can bring you dinner tomorrow. I'm cooking anyhow. No seafood or nuts, no pork, anything else I forgot?

[badgermama]

Dear Squid! I might just. I have no dignity left.

Tomorrow Lori and Guy are bringing me dinner but if you want to, i'll totally eat it for lunch the next day, i am very heartily sick of cheese and crackers and the frozen dinners. Plus, I would love to see you, and I miss you!

I am allergic to crustaceans (but not shellfish or fish), peanuts, tree nuts (though almonds are more or less okay) and mangoes.