Staying in bed is helping my back. I'm being strict about not walking around the house. Yesterday about half that walking was without crutches. Shuffling works best. I may get up only to stretch gently, or wash, or use the bathroom, or get food, and the getting-food part should be planned and efficient.
All the visits and nice chocolate and books and company and cleaning and massages and emails bolstered me up amazingly! Thank you! I'm a very lucky person. And you are all the nicest of friends. I found myself starting to say things yesterday, like on the phone to Debbie, saying "Oh, probably don't come down after all, I'm really not worth visiting, I'm no fun when I'm like this...." What a thing to say! I'd never say it about another person who was stuck in bed, sick, or injured. I've done some caring for other people, and been glad to do it. But then when it's me, I flip out.
"Oh, don't go visit *her*, she's whiny, sad, toxic, she doesn't deserve friends! No one should be nice to her! Don't go to any effort! She's a grown woman, she can take care of herself! If you let her cry on you, there'll be no end to it. It'll just encourage her. She'll just lie there on the couch, complaining, really no fun!"
Come on now, who would say that!
Apparently, me! About myself! What an asshole!
It was something I remember saying to C. when we first started going out and were politely trying to warn each other of our faults. One of mine was "I get really weird about being sick."
My main feelings on needing help, or even looking disabled or in difficulty and having anyone mention it, are a) shame b) fear that other people will be angry with me c) deep conviction that I'm not worthy or deserving of help.
Interesting isn't it? (considering self as far-distant science project) I've learned something. And I'll try to quit doing that, and be sensible and trusting and ask for help.
T.W. is coming over to give me a fabulous massage. I know it'll be fabulous because at Debbie's party he was giving free chair massages, and without my really having to explain anything, he didn't hurt me (rare, as I'm beyond the princess and the pea with massages.) Anyway, a person who says he knows all about massage for sciatic problems. And he also said "We can do it for as long as it takes." Yes, it's come to this, I'm paying someone to come to my house and rub my ass. For as long as it takes! That's awesome, I hope he has a lot of ass-massaging stamina, because I've never had a massage where it hasn't ended just as I was starting to feel like it was having some kind of effect.
So I have that to look forward to, to break up my day, and then (shudder) physical therapy at 6pm, then Minnie is coming over again which will be amazingly comforting and lovely. Then, surfing documentaries brought over by whump, and go to sleep reading Madeline's phoenix book.
Oh I had a funny phone call exchange with a woman off craigslist as I am trying to hire some extra help. She talked a bunch about what she could do and how much she enjoyed it and I was totally sold and said she should come on by to look at my sad piles of crapola and give me an estimate. Then oh by the way she charges $200 an hour! With a slight discount if you commit to 40 hours! Yeah right, did you mistake me for someone from Polo Alto or Blatherton?! for fuck's sake! "I'm thinking about that and uh, I think uh, you better not come over because um that is out of my price range." "Well I could go down for a special job to $150 an hour." "Um no sorry I really think, you must have a different kind of clientele than me, and, better not." "Well maybe all you need is a special one-time thing, say, one day at $100 an hour." "I really can't do that." "So, it's not the money then? You just don't want to get organized and have a system and you're deciding you don't need that kind of work?" "No, it *is* the money, I can't spend 800 on that... I've done that kind of work for other people and don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you and your successful business, but you're too classy for the likes of me.... Thanks though... I just want a person who will put my stuff away in some logical places for a few afternoons while I'm on crutches." Jeez, lady, way to go with the hard sell!
All the way down to $100 an hour. Teh awesome! I could hire a personal administrative assistant for a month on what I'd pay this person for 2 days. Minnie it looks like I owe you a fuckload of money for putting Moomin's toys away. If you shelve any books for me or tell me to put some papers in my filing cabinet in a systematic way, then you can totally pay off your student loan. McC**t can retroactively pay me a gazillion bucks for having done his wife-work, also. (Extra charge for psychotherapy, fanfic editing, and feminist consulting.) As a note for the future... this service looks pretty cool, it's a worker-owned co-op, for stuff requiring thought like organization or errands, they charge $38 an hour.
Good lord. I need that kind of take-home pay for what I'm doing this week.
Would you like a visitor? I have Sophie in tow. Too much?
Posted by: Jo | April 09, 2007 at 11:43 AM