Pain and pride

I'm in a lot of pain, but I feel really proud of myself for various reasons. I still have the knowledge that I could do better (and I could have done *so* many things better today and in the last few days). But fuck it. I was crippled for years and I fought it and right now I am fighting against being scared and helpless. It's my own head trip, but because I had a hard time in the past and because I get so scared of being really disabled again, it's good to know I can be the crippled girl and still kick ass. So if it gets me again, it won't stop me. I can still think and work and have it (more or less) together. I'm comforted. I also feel a lot of gratitude to various people.

What a nice time today, and tonight, and all the really good conversation, and feeling of cameraderie, and being around people who have a peculiar like-mindedness and approach to ideas. That's amazingly pleasant for me. I also love the general atmosphere of stimulation, idea-sharing...Also, I just plain like other people and often feel proud to know them and really astonished & pleased at how cool they are. My god, people are beautiful! They're full of fizziness! They bubble over with coolness! It's really great!

Next time I feel down I'll just remember that (as I often do, like Coleridge remembering friends, books, and nature).

Now I'm going to lie here with a muscle relaxant and write just a tiny bit more. Do you have any idea how relieved I am to be lying down! *crying* *light meltdown, not to be taken seriously* *the aftermath of being brave and cheerful and focused and effort* A little overemotional from exhaustion perhaps.

I wished for my old wheelchair a hundred times today,

as I was basically forced to use an office chair as a bad one,

and it was scary how my old habits come back. I know how to go through a door on crutches. All the movements are automatic. Turn. Push. Shove. Shoulder through and stick the crutch under the door jamb. Shoulder forward the other way and slip through.

Technorati Tags: body image, disability, pain, personal

Comments

[skarat]

I am not sure what to say.

Other than I can completely understand. I feel the same sort of emotional blitz when athsma knocks me on my ass. It is interesting to me how pain changes my behavior, takes me out of my body or brings me into it with a vengence.

It can be utterly humiliating, or make you feel stronger than expected.

We are so programmed to want to power through everthing.

Sometimes the smart move is to take the withdraw from the class and attack again when stronger.

I am thinking about you, feel better. Be well.

[badgerbag]

Hey skarat I know you get it! Just as you say - simultaneous or serial humiliation and strong-making.

I can't withdraw from the class for this - I'm the teacher!

[JM]

Um, you know if you need a sub for your class, I'd totally do it.