god i just woke up in a sweat. i had a nasty nightmare. i was at a gas station and the gas was leaking everywhere out of the hose and just gallons of it were going all over. Then driving along there were all these police cars and weird stuff happening and big garage doors opening with ruined cars coming out. They were burned and rusted out and being hauled to a scrap heap.
Then I was playing a board game with Moomin and some people and i accidentally won almost all the game pieces and was trying to sneak them over into his pile but it was too late and I was ashamed it was like I had been trying to beat my own kid in this game and he felt bad... but it was an accident...
Then I was a a doctor's office and the doctor was writing up the report of everything that had happened with my back and I could see the paper, "Patient appears to enjoy medical attention ... is convinced that back hurts... noncompliant...can walk... false conviction must use assistive devices" and more. Then she kept asking questions about if I felt anxious or upset. "Of course I do, my back hurts, and it's hard to sit up or walk... let me explain how it is... they did an MRI, right next door, you could look at the results" and she'd write more stuff down! Nurses kept coming in. They were all sewing their own furry suits for the office musical. I realized they started out across the room and were then subtly manipulating me by all coming over to act friendlier and friendlier. It was a psychological test and also was as if I was either dangerous or in hysterics and they had to try to make me feel "safe" and among friends. Another nurse came in with an injection. 'I don't want an injection... I don't need anything... You can't just inject me with stuff. What is it? " They wouldn't answer. Finally, "This will help you feel more relaxed...it will help with your anxiety" "No, i don't want it, and you can't force me..." It was very scary. I wasn't sure if I could physically get away. Then in desperation I explained again and put all the power I could find in persuading them of what had happened and what I was experiencing. I explained I could walk some but it fluctuated... They began to believe me, what a relief
But then my friend D. walked in and took me aside a bit. "everything's okay so don't worry, but i need to tell you what happened..." but she looked incredibly concerned and I was sure for a minute that Moomin or Rook was dead. Then I realized suddenly I'd left Moomin at home alone in the house. "He's very upset and angry but he's okay... he didn't know what to do so he called his doctor." I was sick with regret and anger at myself thinking that because Moomin is so quiet in the house, i forgot him and went off to my doctor appointment thinking that he was at his school day care. The thought of him alone and freaking out and crying and angry! and it was my fault entirely. I couldn't bear it! I began to wonder if I *was* having some "problems" indeed and the doctor and nurses were right. I knew that because I had been a terrible mom they were not going to believe me (as they were starting to) about my back. And that child protective services was going to come take me away to some kind of hospital jail. Rook would be furious with me and so disappointed. There was no way around it. I had completely fucked up... D. and I were still whispering as I was trying to hide the situation from the nurses and doctor.
Imagine my happiness when I woke up and it wasn't real!
a few times in the night i woke up and the thought hit me that I had just been wheeling all over town like it was normal. the reality shift was too much for me at those moments.
Jesus, I *hate* dreams like that, and almost all of my nightmares are exactly that way. I've had one where I accidentally lock a baby in a freezer and one where I run over some guy in a parking lot and kill him. And then you're standing there thinking "oh shit I fucked up I'm going to go to jail for the rest of my life for this thing that I totally didn't even mean to do."
It is absolutely wonderful to wake up from those. It's like being granted the wish to go back in time & undo your horrible mistakes like they never happened. But it's not worth it!
Posted by: vito excalibur | April 18, 2007 at 08:20 AM
um, reading over my comment, I would like to say that I actually did feel really horrible over causing the deaths of the baby and the guy in the parking lot, not just because I was going to go to jail. Didn't mean to make myself sound like a psychopath there.
Posted by: vito excalibur | April 18, 2007 at 08:22 AM