I've been alternately slothful and busy today, depending on the heat. Thinking and writing. Moomin is getting much better. My mom is being helpful but also wants attention and to know that she is being helpful. And I appreciate all of it and so we're hanging out talking a lot.
Caught her on the bouncy horse so she cussed me out, told me not to dare take a picture, and then pulled down her shirt to reveal a bra strap & posed as a bronc rider, hamming it up. The bra strap just about killed me... I had showed her my underwear earlier in the day - underwear that says "OBEY ME" on the butt.
Comic books with Moomin... power rangers... batman sword was a big, big hit... crazy 8s... etc. Food, food, and more food, all in tiny mouse-sized portions and followed by diarrhea & howling more often than not but at least he's eating.
We messed about with the awning... I acknowledged that it's crazy-making for her to watch me approach a problem my way, with uncertainty and room for mistakes and then evolving a solution to fit. She wanted to measure and plan in ways that would not have allowed change-at-the-last-minute. Also, I felt that precision wouldn't make a big difference... it wasn't cabinetmaking. She rolled with it and let me boss things but I also made an effort to not be a jerk and to listen to her.... she is super smart and one of the things I have always liked about her is that she sees through a situation to the most efficient way to do something, and has no patience with inefficiency... That's very cool. (Although: combine that with obsessive-compulsive precision and then picture me, the baroque improvisational big-picture slob, and think how we have tortured each other our whole lives!)
Man, I have to confess that I kept looking at her hands the other day when she was falling asleep on the couch and thinking desperately, "please don't get old... please quit smoking...." We had our million zillionth conversation where I beg her to quit smoking... this began when I was 7 and brought home this coloring book public health project and cried as I begged them both never to smoke again. "Healthy lungs: color pink. Smoker's lungs: color brown." There was a movie about people dying, and probably about Pollution and The Earth as well. She quits & starts again. I couldn't stand the thought of it these last few days as I read about Jo and her mom, who is dying of brain cancer. Kept picturing my mom all feeble and undignified & coughing.. the few times I've seen her in pain it was just horrible... Aaaagh, please let her quit smoking for real...
Only one awkward horrid moment when she remarked to Rook and his sister, who was in town for like 2 hours, that at work she could never tell apart the Asian people. Um thanks mom! In front of your hapa grandchild too... I need to ask her if she thinks if he was growing up in her neighborhood, if she thinks people would read him as "white" or not? Why did she think it was okay to say that at all, much less to Rook and Chy? For fuck's sake. For the extra billionth time we will have that conversation about race and racism. I know it occurred to her after it came out of her mouth that maybe there was something hideous about saying that to Rook & Ching-Erh, but she was not sure what made it bad... words fail me... Ching-Erh gracefully passed it off while still getting in the schooling... by saying that when you have a name like hers, it is the opposite, and people at HER work who are named things like "Jason" are utterly forgettable, boring, and she can't tell them apart at all. Can I just say that it's completely bizarre that we had several days of normal conversation with no weird racial remarks... and then suddenly she busted out with this in the middle of nowhere... I think b/c she was sweaty and in a dirty tshirt and had just had her 20 thousandth hot flash of the day, then C. walked in in her banker power suit, tall, skinny, and sophisticated... She does not know she was expressing hostility through a racist remark, but that's how I see it, that she felt threatened and unbalanced and so said something really obnoxious. (Significantly prefaced with the phrase "I probably shouldn't say this, but," and a sidelong glance at me, apparently functioning as her PC conscience, which shows that she knew on some level it was a fucked up thing to say.) I can't for a minute think that it was "on purpose"... Rook reacted with bitter unbelieving laughter, and me too, and I was groaning and going "Mom... MUST YOU.... OMFG.... " Which she talked right over. But frankly lost my cool or my ability to give a coherent explanation of why she Must Not. I guess tomorrow, because I'm relentless and b/c it really really bothers me. Also I have always believed what I've written before, that if you do activism with strangers, but don't confront people close to you because it would make YOU yourself uncomfortable and threaten your real life relationships, then you are full of shit. So, that is why I am a hard ass on my parents and don't let it slide. it annoys them, and I'm sorry for that and for the disruption, but, what the fuck ever.
Then we did the dishes for the 1001th time today and fed Moomin more tiny bites of things and put him to bed and sat to look over his schoolwork for the year, which I sorted through. It's nice to look at it all with someone who really cares about him and thinks every little thing is cute... and she was telling me awesome stories about me and my sister when we were little, and what she remembers from her own elementary school, and how my aunt (her sister) is teaching kids Moomin's age - special ed. I didn't know that! She used to teach "troubled teens" or something... but is now part-time in a different school.
Listened about riding... watched horse videos... etc. And talked wildly about feminism and literary criticism and my thesis. It was a good day...
Different than i thought i'd have b/c i had planned to work, work, work while she took care of Moomin... but, this was better, for us all to hang out ... way better.
Caught her on the bouncy horse so she cussed me out, told me not to dare take a picture, and then pulled down her shirt to reveal a bra strap & posed as a bronc rider, hamming it up. The bra strap just about killed me... I had showed her my underwear earlier in the day - underwear that says "OBEY ME" on the butt.
Comic books with Moomin... power rangers... batman sword was a big, big hit... crazy 8s... etc. Food, food, and more food, all in tiny mouse-sized portions and followed by diarrhea & howling more often than not but at least he's eating.
We messed about with the awning... I acknowledged that it's crazy-making for her to watch me approach a problem my way, with uncertainty and room for mistakes and then evolving a solution to fit. She wanted to measure and plan in ways that would not have allowed change-at-the-last-minute. Also, I felt that precision wouldn't make a big difference... it wasn't cabinetmaking. She rolled with it and let me boss things but I also made an effort to not be a jerk and to listen to her.... she is super smart and one of the things I have always liked about her is that she sees through a situation to the most efficient way to do something, and has no patience with inefficiency... That's very cool. (Although: combine that with obsessive-compulsive precision and then picture me, the baroque improvisational big-picture slob, and think how we have tortured each other our whole lives!)
Man, I have to confess that I kept looking at her hands the other day when she was falling asleep on the couch and thinking desperately, "please don't get old... please quit smoking...." We had our million zillionth conversation where I beg her to quit smoking... this began when I was 7 and brought home this coloring book public health project and cried as I begged them both never to smoke again. "Healthy lungs: color pink. Smoker's lungs: color brown." There was a movie about people dying, and probably about Pollution and The Earth as well. She quits & starts again. I couldn't stand the thought of it these last few days as I read about Jo and her mom, who is dying of brain cancer. Kept picturing my mom all feeble and undignified & coughing.. the few times I've seen her in pain it was just horrible... Aaaagh, please let her quit smoking for real...
Only one awkward horrid moment when she remarked to Rook and his sister, who was in town for like 2 hours, that at work she could never tell apart the Asian people. Um thanks mom! In front of your hapa grandchild too... I need to ask her if she thinks if he was growing up in her neighborhood, if she thinks people would read him as "white" or not? Why did she think it was okay to say that at all, much less to Rook and Chy? For fuck's sake. For the extra billionth time we will have that conversation about race and racism. I know it occurred to her after it came out of her mouth that maybe there was something hideous about saying that to Rook & Ching-Erh, but she was not sure what made it bad... words fail me... Ching-Erh gracefully passed it off while still getting in the schooling... by saying that when you have a name like hers, it is the opposite, and people at HER work who are named things like "Jason" are utterly forgettable, boring, and she can't tell them apart at all. Can I just say that it's completely bizarre that we had several days of normal conversation with no weird racial remarks... and then suddenly she busted out with this in the middle of nowhere... I think b/c she was sweaty and in a dirty tshirt and had just had her 20 thousandth hot flash of the day, then C. walked in in her banker power suit, tall, skinny, and sophisticated... She does not know she was expressing hostility through a racist remark, but that's how I see it, that she felt threatened and unbalanced and so said something really obnoxious. (Significantly prefaced with the phrase "I probably shouldn't say this, but," and a sidelong glance at me, apparently functioning as her PC conscience, which shows that she knew on some level it was a fucked up thing to say.) I can't for a minute think that it was "on purpose"... Rook reacted with bitter unbelieving laughter, and me too, and I was groaning and going "Mom... MUST YOU.... OMFG.... " Which she talked right over. But frankly lost my cool or my ability to give a coherent explanation of why she Must Not. I guess tomorrow, because I'm relentless and b/c it really really bothers me. Also I have always believed what I've written before, that if you do activism with strangers, but don't confront people close to you because it would make YOU yourself uncomfortable and threaten your real life relationships, then you are full of shit. So, that is why I am a hard ass on my parents and don't let it slide. it annoys them, and I'm sorry for that and for the disruption, but, what the fuck ever.
Then we did the dishes for the 1001th time today and fed Moomin more tiny bites of things and put him to bed and sat to look over his schoolwork for the year, which I sorted through. It's nice to look at it all with someone who really cares about him and thinks every little thing is cute... and she was telling me awesome stories about me and my sister when we were little, and what she remembers from her own elementary school, and how my aunt (her sister) is teaching kids Moomin's age - special ed. I didn't know that! She used to teach "troubled teens" or something... but is now part-time in a different school.
Listened about riding... watched horse videos... etc. And talked wildly about feminism and literary criticism and my thesis. It was a good day...
Different than i thought i'd have b/c i had planned to work, work, work while she took care of Moomin... but, this was better, for us all to hang out ... way better.
thats our whole childhood, i think its the area where we were raised liz. My parents and grand parents just slung rascist remarks like they were talking about the weather. And not really caring who they offended. Im not saying its right, but i really cant remember anyones parents from high school, except for maybe S.M.'s mom who was. And the worst was S.A.'s dad! I think its partially the reason why I grew up and became the fully well rounded, non judgemental person I am today. I could give a shit whether anyone is red, purple, green or blue, and yet s.f. is probably the most rascist, non accepting of alternative cultures Ive ever lived in.
Posted by: Ralphie | July 18, 2006 at 02:09 AM
our mom is not from the south.
Posted by: minnie | July 18, 2006 at 09:49 AM
The mix of awesome mom with racist mom - how maddening, how painful, and how totally awful that she said what she said! In front of Rook and his sister, even worse!! My god!
Posted by: Lisa Hirsch | July 18, 2006 at 11:11 AM
just saying where we, as in liz and I, were raised. It was very common to hear parents make rascist comments.
Posted by: ralphie | July 18, 2006 at 02:33 PM
About the "please quit smoking" conversations - I was a lot happier when I stopped having those discussions with my mom, which also started when I was quite young, and escalated after smoking was a factor in my father's death at 59. The conversations didn't do a thing to get my mom to quit but they made us both unhappy. She finally quit at some point in her 70s, resumed some time in the last couple of years but at a lower level, is currently (at 85) not smoking but I am not counting on that lasting. She has emphysema and who knows what that means for the rest of her life? but what she does with her lungs is out of my control.
Posted by: Lisa Hirsch | July 19, 2006 at 11:04 AM