An afternoon spent in the basement of the Stafnord technical bookstore reading about nerd management techniques. I don't think any of it was directly relevant - to find the book I wanted I have to trek up to SF Public Library, which I meant to do last week. Entertaining, though, and it fired me up. Then (as per mom instructions) off to the scary mall.
People, be warned. Malls are especially fugly right now with a blight of bastard offspring of the capri and gaucho pant and something else I can't identify. Board shorts? But uglier. There is a fashion for nerd pants that just look like you've outgrown them... knickers?
If only men would wear attractive tight pants ... like baseball players...
Anyway, my requirement for pants was:
- must have pockets
- must be as much like jeans as possible without actually being jeans
- must not drip with beads, spangles, or flimsy embroidery
- no pleats (as per instructions from Minnie: pleats are the devil's business)
- must not cost 150 bucks
- not falling off my ass
- not flared out to next Wednesday
Macys petites: linen pastel capri with drawstrings and spangles OR black thick suit pants, all still too long. meant to be worn with heels perhaps?
Macys jr: why did I bother to look? nasty beyond compare with the wraparound v-neck tops with gathers. what genius invented them?
Bloomingdales: did not bother to go in
Banana Republic: horrible name, but I went in with the hope of cottony non-jeans without the extreme flare. no such luck. everything in there was nasty. pants all capri or huge flare, and too long.
Talbots, bane of my existence: vaguely possible old-lady pants, at least not falling off ass or bellbottom, but still too long. How? in petite dept? I'm 5'2. Horrid sweatery tops. Ugly bright colors... one okay no-sleeve top with palm trees on it, but was $68... no way. suit jackets with shoulder padding?!!!
Various other stores I can't remember: Beyond awful
Ann taylor petites: not exactly ugly but somehow wrong
Left mall in disgust... on the way out went into Express which had possibilities. Here are the vaguely whorish "professional" clothes. Styles all named things like "The Editor pant" and "The publicist" but according to photos of heavily boobular slick-ringlety-permed models leaning on barstools sticking their asses out, shoudl have been named "The Hussy" and "Pole Dancer". Low cut ... kind of flared... but not damned ugly and not too fussed up. Some chick who wasn't overly suspicious or pitying adopted me for makeover time and she kind of apologized for how she is "usually more punk in real life." So, is it for an interview? she asked... with hideous knowingness... As she pressed me to "describe my style" while presenting me with frilly low cut tops I finally squeaked, "I think my 'style' might be BUTCHER THAN THAT" and so I ended up with what she said was "tailored".
bwahahah! So I bought some pants and a sort of red shirt with no sleeves that wasn't too frilly or crapped up, and a jacket. There. Oh, wait, i have no shoes that aren't scuffy.
It's good that the pants fit. Their pockets are kind of fake. Like, back pockets, which reassured me, but then I went to feel in them and they were 1 inch deep. What would one put in them? Why have a pocket, then? Like, a pocket for one safety pin and a quarter?
I'm mall-traumatized. Was this really necessary? damn!
Christ, i should have gone to mervyn's and bought some new black jeans...
you need to go to oshmans in marin, i know it sounds weird, but trust me, they have teh best pants.
Posted by: Ralphie | July 16, 2006 at 06:55 PM
Target Cherokee brand black khakis. But you and I aren't the same shape, so they may not do for you what they do for me.
I think Land's End has pretty good dressy trousers for less than a billion dollars. Sears' carries some Lands End stuff--you could check fit that way.
Oh, buy the pants for the buttal fit and to hell with the too-long deal. The dry cleaner's on Alameda de las Pulgas in Menlo Park, across the street from the Blockbuster, does pretty good alterations and I don't think she charges too much.
Posted by: Liz | July 16, 2006 at 07:07 PM
It's those girl pants - they have no back pockets! I lost my wallet one time because the girl pants I was wearing had such small back pockets. I think it's a plot to make women carry purses.
Posted by: corey jo | July 16, 2006 at 07:21 PM
As if your week hadn't enough adventure already.
Did you really say, "Butcher than THAT"? Please tell me you really did, even if you're lying.
Posted by: Lea | July 16, 2006 at 08:28 PM
I did indeed say it. I squeaked it in embarrassed outrage.
Posted by: badgerbag | July 16, 2006 at 09:49 PM
I hate the mall and do not go if I can help it. But you know that.
Fortunately we have that standalone Auld Navy across the street from your house. I just had a complete there two days ago in which I purchased five pairs of pants/shortie things because I had somehow ended up having no summer pants or shorts with decent pockets. May not be your style but that place is all adrip with the sort of clothes that Dee and I used to spend many a high school night altering to fit us after we'd found them in thrift stores. Men's dress pants with weird patterns that actually fit women! Pegged sturdy shorts in colors besides khaki! Plus all the hippie Indian-style embroidered crap that I so love is apparently last month's news and so even though it never goes out of style for me, it is all ten dollars there right now. I am probably going to go back. And this should probably be my own post.
As for the "professional" clothes I got myself a decent casual dress shirt. Stretchy, good collar, passes for day wear too. Some pansyish gathers at the cuff, but I will overlook them as the shirt is so comfy.
Posted by: squid | July 17, 2006 at 12:13 AM
That would be "...a complete *blowout* there..."
Also TLF used to go an check out their factories in Asia as part of her job. She swears they are all completely legitimate and exceed standards. She is the most prinicpled and thorough person I know so I believe her.
Posted by: squid | July 17, 2006 at 12:16 AM
The fake pockets are there to give your 'bottom' extra definition. And over here 'knickers' are what we call panties .. so I'm not sure if you are using the right term .. unless we are divided by a common language. Actually do you mean what we call 'plus fours' like old fashioned golfing trousers? This is all so endlessly fascinating.
Posted by: Iris | July 17, 2006 at 01:17 AM
Here in the US, "knickers" used to be called "Knickerbockers" and are related to "plus fours". What's been fashionable lately are rather snug-fitting trousers that end at the knee: knickers.
Posted by: Liz | July 17, 2006 at 07:24 AM
If you find that good nerd-management book, let me know.
I bought the O'Reilly book by Scott Berkun, "The Art of Project Management", and it looks like it's full of useful touchy-feely stuff about how to herd cats without unnecessarily hurting their feelings (someone shuld publish "the nerd whisperer"). However, that kind of book puts me right to sleep. So it's one of my many O'Reilly pillow books: I hope that if I keep it on my bedside table the information in it will craw into my ear at night.
As for the bulk of your post, I'm so desperately in need of being Queer Eyed it's not even funny. Ooh! I just thought of the SXSW panel you should have done: geek makeovers!
Was it Old Navy that met your friend's human rights standards? That would be good to know.
Posted by: Prentiss Riddle | July 17, 2006 at 12:22 PM
Old Navy. Yes. Gap and Banana Republic, too (they are different tiers of the same company).
Posted by: squid | July 17, 2006 at 08:20 PM
Old Navy rocks.
Banana Republic gives me hives; I haven't bought anything there since they sold out to Big Industry and became cookie-cutter. The Gap has been sliding downhill for quite some time.
Someday when we're in the same city, we could go clothes shopping. It's less painful when you have a companion, and something about helping other people solve their work-clothes issues in a way that doesn't lacerate their soul is deeply satisfying to me.
Posted by: serena | July 18, 2006 at 09:40 AM
Is anybody here old enough to remember when Banana Republic specialized in clothes inspired by adventure travel, hence the name? They had a section of travel books in every store and decorated with accents like pith helmets and pythons. My how brands can change over time!
Posted by: Prentiss Riddle | July 20, 2006 at 04:47 AM
I do remember that! It was very weird! In fact 20 years ago I had a sort of safari-ish dress with stripes that my aunt bought me from there that had a lot of big pockets, a snap front, and was very comfortable. The catalogue came to me for years afterwards and had little handwritten "jungle explorer" notes on it. Either they figured out this was playing to imperial nostalgia and really damned tacky... or as you say, the brand just changed.
Posted by: badgerbag | July 20, 2006 at 07:07 AM
I think theyre owned by the gap or something
Posted by: Ralphie | July 20, 2006 at 08:03 AM
Yes, that was the Banana Republic of yore, all right. The catalogues were romance itself. Things like 'the Little Black Dress' for rolling up in your Israeli Paratrooper Backpack and donning for dinner in Cairo. They sold out to the Gap and became the polar opposite of all they had stood for, hence.
Posted by: serena | July 20, 2006 at 04:46 PM