a big plan and a pack of sharks

In the car today...

Moomin: Mom, how come a park is called a park? And a tree is called a tree? And a rock is called a rock?
Me: *attempts explanation*
Moomin: But, how come?
Me: Um, every language has different words for stuff... etc.
Moomin: How do you say "rock" in Spanish?
Me: Piedra. La piedra. The rock.
Moomin: And how do you say "Look"?
Me: Mira.
Moomin: And how do you say Hey, dude, look at the rock?
Me: Um...   "Oye, chico, mira la piedra"
Moomin: How do you say "Look at it!"
Me: Míralo!
Moomin: I made a sentence in Spanish! Mira la piedra!
Me: Fabulous.
Moomin: I could write a whole story, in English, and then, you could tell me the words in Spanish, and, we could make a book, and it could be in English and Spanish, so, everyone could read it.
Me:  Um, wow, cool!
Moomin: And it would be about Godzilla!  And my teacher could tell me the words if you don't know!  And I could sell it. And it could have illustrations, and be a comic book. And that's why I'm a writer!
Me:  that would be pretty neat. I could help you do that if you want.

That was a nice moment! I'm always afraid to believe moments like that are real. 

Later the park was good... and I realized he was worrying about a kid, Sky, that he used to play with in Monstersorri, who was also in the park having his birthday party.  As we left I swung by to say hi to Sky's mom.  Sky came up with a pack of burly little boys.  "You're short. I'm really tall. Look, you're the shortest. You're a baby."   "No, I'm not. I'm not a baby. And I'm in FIRST GRADE even though I'm ONLY 5 and 3/4."  "You're little like a baby. I don't believe you."  "But I'm not a baby. Actually let's just play, okay?" "You're a baby! Nyah nyah!  You read Captain Underpants! You turned into underpants! Baby baby underpants!" and all the other nasty little creatures joined in laughing, and then ran away, leaving Moomin suddenly freaking,  screaming, "BAD SKY! BAD, BAD, BAD! You're mean and I want to go far away!" 

It was horrible... Sky's mom made him come apologize, but it was clearly not sincere.  The pack of other boys crowded round hungry for blood as Moomin sobbed, "Besides, I don't think I should invite you to my 6th birthday party, because you're a mean bully!"     "Um, sometimes people tease a little but it's kind of friendly teasing..." that was the line Sky's mom and I took, but it didn't work.  then she said, "Sky, obviously Moomin isn't a baby, HE can read, and YOU can't."  Oh, honey, that didn't help.  We abandoned the attempt to rescue the situation, in favor of dirty looks for Sky and patting & consolation for Moomin, who raced off at top speed angrily on his bicycle to our truck.

Alas.

There was no way to fix it.  I told Moomin the story of Ronnie Parsons who used to mock me in 2nd through 4th grade and who once put a snowball down the back of my neck, and how I tried telling, and I tried ignoring him, but nothing really stopped him.  And if I cried, he would tease me for being a crybaby...  Moomin was cheered by this tale. "I bet that Sky's mom is sending him to his room right now."  "Ha, yeah, probably he has to eat only dry toast for dinner."  "Ahahahaha! and instead of a pillow, he has to sleep on snakes and wet meatballs."

"You know how, when babies are doing something naughty, you can distract them? With something more fun to play?
"Yes."
"You could  maybe try that as a strategy, so, if some kids tease you, change the subject and think of some great ideas. And say, "Hey, let's play star wars" or something, like you tried. That was a good idea. It would distract them."
"I don't think that will work, Mom. Because what they like to play best is TEASING."
*silence of deep truth*
"Well it's worth a try to distract them, anyway."
"I don't think it's going to work so well."
"When kids teased me, I just made myself a promise that I wouldn't do that to anyone else, and would try never to be mean like that."
"That's good."

We got home & the Pilot and baby Peanut were out in the front yard. Pilot so sweetly (and so timely!) praised Moomin's skill on walking on the fence, and balancing, and she took his picture to make him feel like a big shot.  I think that for a minute he got it that he could show off for Peanut, who kept following him and saying "Muppet show? Muppet show? Moomin house? Peanut up onna fence?" plaintively, full of hero-worship.

Comments

[RJ Mical]

"That was a nice moment! I'm always afraid to believe moments like that are real."

Whatever do you mean, dearest one?

[Lea]

Siiiigh. I had some sharp words today for the school principal about teasing, espcially at my daughter's age, 12, because this is the time when it can go from ugly to harassment, when it becomes not just about insecurity, but seeing how much escalation a victim will take.

But Moomin is so smart. Because some bullies don't want to be distracted. They are already playing their favorite game.

[Koan Bremner]

Moomin shows more understanding of the ugly side of human nature than many adults - but, I'm sure you already know this. A hug for Moomin to congratulate him on his resolve not to be a bully - and a hug to *you* for your part in raising such a thoughtful child! :-)

[badgerbag]

It was me that made the promise when I was little... I kept it until I was 13 and then broke it.. and was horrified, and then kept it a lot longer.

He seems very aware of rejection and does not forgive it easily. I think that just makes it tougher for him. But as long as he has one or two friends in school I'm hoping that'll help him out.

[Koan Bremner]

Ah, yes - I miscounted the paragraphs - I is ign'ant! Even so, the hugs, and the praise still stand.

I guess rejection is hard for anybody to deal with - but when he can identify the reasons *behind* the rejection (and he sounds so bright, I believe he'll learn that skill in fairly short order) then he might be able to differentiate "tactical" rejection (as in "I'm not playing with you *now* because I don't want to look bad in front of my friends) to "full" rejection ("I don't want to play with you because I don't like you, period").

I'm not saying that one form of rejection is less painful than the other - but recognising that different forms of rejection say more about the person rejecting than they do about the person rejected has certainly helped me, over the years.

[elswhere]

Moomin is really smart about bullies. The conventional wisdom now--what they're starting to teach kids in schools with anti-bullying programs--is to recognize that telling doesn't work (because bullies will retaliate and also because they wait until adults aren't watching) and ignoring doesn't work (because, as Moomin put it so incisively, they're already playing their favorite game). What works best is getting a bunch of other kids together and ganging up on the bully and calling him or her on his behavior in a group. This requires focusing on the kids who are mostly observers--not the bullies or the bullied-- and getting them involved, getting them to hold themselves morally accountable for stopping it. Which would be hard for a 5&3/4-year-old, however brilliant, to do. And it wouldn't work in situations like what just happened at the park. But it might be worth talking about for the future, or with his teacher (if this kind of thing ever happens at school), or for times when other kids are the targets.

There's a pretty good (if somewhat didactic and bibliotherapy-ish) kids' book about this strategy called "the Bully-Blocker's Club," by Teresa Bateman.

[serena]

"I don't think that will work, Mom. Because what they like to play best is TEASING."
*silence of deep truth*
"Well it's worth a try to distract them, anyway."
"I don't think it's going to work so well."

What a very, very, very, very smart kid. This reminds me of a conversation I just had with a close friend of mine from childhood--she pointed out that for years and years, her family would FORCE her into social situations where people were absolutely determined to rudely reject her. This happened far into adulthood--she'd be out with parents, siblings or friends, they'd run into some snobs from the socialite scene, the snobs would engage family or friend in conversation, and totally ignore her. And her family and friends would allow this to happen, and act like it was HER problem to fix it. As if the snobs would accept her if only she'd obligingly change into the right kind of person.

Sometimes it is JUST FINE to recognize that people are assholes, and blow them off.

[Jenijen]

You are such an excellent mama, and i really believe that is a great buffer between your son and that boy (who was probably recently called a little baby by someone bigger than him. . . ), and all the other hurts that kids have to face.

[Jo]

It's tempting to enroll Moomin in some kind of lethal dojo of whupass so that he could simply chop them into mincemeat, eh? Why do we have to be so civilized? HIYA! And the stupidass boys would be writhing on the ground bleeding.

[Beth]

the part at the end, where he's walking on the fence. Gymnastics is almost exclusively the purview of the petite. Can't you picture moomin on the front of a Wheaties box with his Olympic medals, grinning and touting the favorite cereal of Martians?

[whump]

Sky's mom pulling the "Milo's smarter than you," didn't help. My parents used to hold the prospect that I'd be able to look down on my school-yard tormentors while they bagged my groceries, or asked if I wanted fries with that, as the 'next life' reward for putting up with bullying.

Most kids grow out of the bullying thing. Some, unfortunately, make a career of it.

[Lisa Hirsch]

Oh, it just makes me want to cry, the other kids treating Moomin like that. Yeah, I was the weird kid who got teased a lot, although it was a few years later before that happened. At his age I was in a school where I was about average, apparently, then we moved and I wound up in a school where I was the smartest kid in the class/teacher's pet.