winning the clueless gone too far award

As I was charging up the hill yesterday I realized something was "off" about the way the other moms were looking at me. There was a mixture of frightened scurrying and disbelieving indulgence. It was not till I got to the top that I realized. Jo looked me up and down gently and chortled. I looked down. My tshirt was pink with a cat on it and said "BUTCH"; tight and seethrough; there was all too obviously no bra. My slippers matched the pink perfectly. They are pink suede and fur boots and the top of the boots flop and fold down all the way with the fur out, so it looks like I have enormous shaggy pink fur paws. I had pants on, thank god. Pink stripey arm warmers - not even on purpose, it was just the ones that were clean.... "The hair sort of... the boots somehow match your hair," Jo pointed out, still chortling. It's not like I have some "over the top" "gone too far this time" sensor built in. When I got home I looked in the mirror and burst out laughing. The entire effect was super cute... I will duplicate it on purpose, sometime! A long pink furry tail, a headband with cat ears, and a lightsaber should be just the ticket.

So then we went to the park armed with junk food and juice boxes. The thing is about the park... everyone looks vaguely familiar but I don't remember their names or it's been a year and they have a whole extra child and a new hairdo, but still a certain colorless indifferentiation from generic mom-hood. Neutral colored body-hiding non-sexy clothes, expensive or cheap, ponytail or coif, makeup or no makeup... I don't think it's the specific style, and it's not even a lack of attention to dress or an excessive attention, it's just this blending-in thing. There's this way in which they shutter themselves off, they're hiding in plain sight, their emotions seem to range all the way from X to X.1. I can't describe what it is that makes them all blend together but they usually do. It's like when college lesbians were all being "androgynous". There was one way to be and look and sticking your head above it meant the other crows would peck you to death... There is one standard of beauty, and you can't match it too closely or you might be too obvious, but you have to be trying, or your feathers will be wrong. While other moms seem to vibrate and burn with interestingness... some just fade on purpose. they're wholesome looking, like scrubbed prairie girls. They never have acne... how come? Or maybe I can't tell white people apart, they all look alike. 8-P Moomin's classmate Korsten's mom came up to me and thank god she introduced herself to Jo and Ep, because I had no fucking clue... I always recognize her husband because he is saucy-looking and has big bushy eyebrows.

Anyway, the point is that she came over to be friendly and say hello -- from the other picnic table where about 6 moms were clustered in a neat gaggle of tupperware, trader joe's, and lintfree sweaters. It was brave of her, or maybe she is dumb. Later: "THAT'S THE ONE WHO KEEPS SENDING YOU HATE MAIL," Jo stage whispered to Ep, pointing with her chin at some chick in a red zippered department store tracksuit. "THE CHRISTIAN HOMESCHOOLER..." A little bit later I strolled the 10 feet over to the other table to make some random comment to Korsten's mom. They all kept talking, even Korsten, so I ended up just standing there. After a super awkward long wait I interrupted and made my random observation about her baby, which fell utterly flat. Korsten introduced me to one person. "Yes. I remember you from the list." Oooo! What a chill! Then they all turned away and began talking again! Oooo, scary!

A bit later the Christian tracksuit came to speak to Jo. "You're Jo, aren't you! I saw you once in Trader Joe's and didn't say anything, you had your girls with you..." and I had been leaning my head up against Jo's shoulder a minute ago... A tense smiling chat happened. I introduced myself tenatively.. "you look familiar, i'm sure we've met.." This was a lie... "Oh, we've MET. We've met several times and I've SEEN YOU at many mom-club events. Over the years. " (clenching her smile super tight with the lips thinning out like a hostile gorilla...) Jesus fuck, woman! Yes, you remember me because I have weird hair! And because I'm That Awful Person! give me a break for not remember your former tight, fake mall-smiles or whatever!

It gave me great pleasure later to yell at her kid for throwing sand and screaming "you're a poopoo head". "We'll teach him some bad words" suggested Jo. "Like SATAN." "Oh, I think "penis" should just about do it."

Then we had a completely normal conversation with the very very short woman who is a crossing guard. She was reading the same exact book Jo is reading - East and mentioned Dragon Rider, which I've heard about but haven't seen. I'm so happy when there is a human being... she wasn't assessing our feather status or being over-fake as we talked... it was just like "Oh, hi." you could tell.

since this is turning into the park fashion/social anthropology report I must also mention the tense, isolated couple who walked through the park... if they had not been obviously leaving I would have sprung up to greet them. The guy, and I was not sure about that part of it for a while, was in an outfit that could be described as "kd lang is your history professor" right down to the tweedy, nicely tailored sportscoat and the haircut. The girl was distinctly Not in that same outfit that screams "I think I'm fat and old, don't look at me" and she had a ponytail that was unlike all other park-mom ponytails, somehow. Jo and I contemplated their path across the park as they toted their baby. "Hi... I'm from Europe." She agreed. Perhaps Denmark as they were blond and short. Their shoes were Different and more dapper. The thing is, they were so together, I mean with each other, and so alienated and obviously a little bewildered...

The nannies and latina moms were off to the side, or on the low benches, or in the sandpit sitting on the curb. I went to talk to Spam's nanny, but I felt super dumb as I had just been thinking of them and trashing their family very cattily to Jo and Ep and suggesting that the spacey parents are probably always sneaking off to snort some coke in the bathroom while the army of nannies and maidservants stares into space and the children wander off into nettle patches. Well, I'm catty! I'm sorry! I've seen it happen! I actually like that mom just fine, and their kids, though the dad is just gross, no leeway there, and the nannies are fine, if somewhat dull and ineffectual...

I hope that the evil Xtian moms have really awesome, satisfying, hilarious catty gossip and speculation about me! I hope they giggle over how I probably leave my kid in "Shooters", the prison bar, while I sneak out to give blow jobs in the alley out back by the train tracks!

Comments

[Jo]

I was actually just liking the t-shirt. I'm sort of clueless myself, doncha know. When you pointed it out, though, you were a Complete Package.

[toobeaut]

> their emotions seem to range all the way from X to X.1

It's the Botox.

[elswhere]

The moms where I work are like this. I often can't tell one from another, even after I've known them (and their kids) for years. After several years I realized: oh, these are the girls I didn't like in HS! This is what happened to them!

Also of course must comment on the one-line throw-away book comment because East is the 2nd best book I read all summer, and I read dozens. I've been raving about it to kids and they're all fighting over this 500-page tome and then coming back on Monday & saying they read it over the weekend, couldn't put it down.

The best book I read all summer was The Sea of Trolls. It's a good companion to East--also medieval Scandanavian mythological adventure stuff. I keep meaning to post about these two and all my favorite new kid fantasies but instead it comes out in dribs and drabs of comments.

[Jo]

I stayed up far too late reading East last night. It's awesome!

[severin]

Badgerbag asked me to paste the following IM observations into the blog so...

Until a couple of years ago I did volunteer teaching every other week at a space campish field trip. In theory the kids were learning about space, but essentially space was a kind ruse to get them excited about science and math.

Typically we'd have about 30 5th/6th graders from some school or another. However, homeschooler parents would call up the camp and want to attend. So the homeschool folks would be put on a list and all come in once the list reached 30 students. I'd get one of these groups about once every three months.

The _freaky_ thing about these students - they would _always_ be in the top 10% or the bottom 10% of the kids I'd see. It became pretty clear why - some kids had parents who were 'science types' and decided that they could do better than the schools would generally be amazing.

However, 60% of the kids were obviously being homeschooled for religous reasons. And damn - their parents apparently could care less about math. We're talking 6th graders who could barely add, could kinda multiply, and could not divide at all.

It was always freaky - a class without the usual 'middle ground' students. A few educated kids who were frustrated at having to sit as I flailed trying to help the dullards.

At one point after class was breaking up I asked one of the 'smart/godless' kid's parent a question. "So, it seems like some of the kids have different educational goals & priorities (wink, wink, exchange nod)... Is it frustrating when you get grouped into these common field trips?" The answer, "Yes it is. I could barely stand to watch you squirm with some of those poor kids."

Alas.

[barak]

Your google ad at the side of the page is for "See through blouse" so of course I clicked on it. Hey, a nickle for Badger and I get some free entertainment!

[badger]

And you know, I had another shirt on underneath the pink one... but it was still seethrough as hell.

Even without clicking, it's a nickel a day! So i can really say, "If I had a nickel for every day that I blogged..." and then smack my forehead and remind myself that I actually HAVE a nickel...

[Jo]

I still can't figure out how to put it on my page. my first ad will probably say "DORKS. CHEAP."

[Ms. Jane]

The whole park scene sounded so much like high school. Can't you just see it as a John Hughes-esque feature length motion picture?

I can just see the cast now, Molly Ringwald as Squid, Mary Stuart Masterson as Badger, Alley Sheedy as Jo, and Elizabeth McGovern as Ep. We'd have to throw in Anthony Michael Hall and James Spader for good measure, maybe as y'all's wacky neighbors. And that adorable Dakota Fanning as Eliz...

[Jo]

I can't wait to hear the soundtrack! IN YOUR ARMS, THE LIGHT THE HEAT...

[Lea]

I never did learn to Blend. I tried so hard at the park. I took Girl almost every day and tried to talk to the other moms, and it was a big bunch of nothing. We were a Force of Two, then Three with Boy, most days.

We were our own parade. Sometimes I wonder if that was the "problem": I really enjoyed my kids, and I liked sitting and eating strawberries and turkey jerky and Gummi Bears on the curb in front of Corner Produce in Alameda.

But I don't Blend. Even if I had the uniform of slimness, caring about my hair, expensive yet shapeless clothing, I wouldn't Blend.