Moomin and I were irritated with each other all afternoon. this is quite rare... but we just couldn't get along... I am cranky and he is spastic. He won't shut up... clingy... hanging on me... whining, dawdling... he was actually rather naughty.
We went to the pool to see what it was like while Peanut had her lesson. This one instructor started talking to Moomin but in the most irritating aggro way. Like - everything he said being aggressive, like, "i'm going to squirt you, i'm going to tickle you! and you can't stop me!" I find this kind of behavior fucking CREEPY. And Moomin giggled like mad at the attention but it unsettled and freaked him more so that he kept running in and out of the pool area trying to get the guy to do more of that sort of attention. Exciting and scary right? But my GOAL in taking him there was to help him see that the pool is not scary and no one will splash you. that didn't work! And then - he kicked this pool toy into the teacher's head on purpose - obviously knowing he should not. (I can hear you all scoffing. But Moomin almost never does shit like that! And I'm cranky, so it extra bugged me. I automatically trust him to behave!)
Now, the dawdling! And the weird stubborn heinosity! I took him for a bike ride and he just balked at everything... finally, face-off when he insisted i had to stop at a certain point and cross the street for some reason and I was heading for a different place. Both of us ornery, undignified, yelling, "you have to come over HERE!"
Just now, bedtime... and the dawdling... o man! "You are not listening to me!" "By listening I think you mean I'm not doing what you tell me to." "Well when I tell DADDY what to do he follows my orders! You have to follow my orders!" "Just get ready for bed like normal and then we'll have time to play and read a book. Otherwise NOT." "If you are so mean to me I will not be your friend and I will not play with you! Because you are not fair!" "Dude. I DO listen to your input but when it comes down to it I'm the grownup!" (No one could have guessed i was the grownup from overhearing this conversation...)
We apologized to each other for being cranky. I asked him how he could figure out how to play AND get ready for bed.
I hate the nursery-school namby pamby thing where "listening" means "obeying." Like by calling it "listening" we're somehow less evil?
I figured all this hyperspazzing needed to blow off steam somehow. So I read him "Captain Underrrpants and the Attack of the Talking Toilets" for a bedtime story. This made everything MUCH more peaceful. He thought it was great, he got to admire some bratty, naughty kids and laugh about underwear. Suddenly all was well.
I think he's really sick of being bossed around and behaving all the time. What to do? I'll try to pay more positive attention when he's playing nicely. I mean... usually i do pay attention in the afternoons and we have absolutely no conflict. Today I had NO reserve of patience.
All I can really think about is a hideous mixture of relief and disappointment... deciding to go for the compos1tion certification feels like suddenly taking for cosmetology or auto shop in high school, going "vocational"... i feel like i'll be on the defensive the rest of my life not having a phd... i know this is silly. and that i will super enjoy teaching world lit or whatever... remedial gilgamesh... I'd do it well and really like making people read stuff and write about it. and i coudl get nice fame stuff from writing and publishing.
Maybe it would be a million times worse if i WENT to bezerkeley and got used to the fancy wine and cheese parties with famous people. And then had to go teach Remedial Gilgamesh to child development majors at George Hutchins Community College. And then whenever i was around some phd they'd be like all pitying at my loserhood. You know... that would suck!
Actually today I had a fabulous idea. I'm sure someone's done it, but i imagined the wonderful anthology of manifestos I could make. I'd find weird ones that no one knows about, and throw them together! a kick-ass anthology! Evern if other people have done it, mine would be better.
I wish I had a poptart.
I shall obtain my certification, and create anthologies, and write book reviews, weird poetry, translations... happily...
I shall blog with glee, and pass into the West....
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