And then, the juicy bits in which I reveal all that I am thinking no matter how foolish

I wandered around madly trying to find the Web panel which was scheduled somewhere else and the sign for it was somewhere ELSE but instead something else. I nearly gave up on it but then it turned out to be in one of the small conference rooms and I'm glad I went as it turned out that whump was on the panel. And H.W. who ... I was only half paying attention I have to confess as I was still messing with that wiki. (Oh. I forgot to mention that. I'll save it for its own post as it would be an enormous complicated digression and I'd like to get to the juicy part of the story.) ... H.W. who made my ears perk up by some passing reference to alt.poly. Actually when I had first come into the room while someone was being a little bit tedious I had a funny moment where our eyes met and I felt we were having a mutual silent laughter over the silliness of whatever it was. This could have been just my imagination. Anyway then we were talking afterwards about having kids and she put out there that it was complex with poly and then boasted on her girlfriend and boyfriend and how awesome they were. (And in between I realized she was the sort of marvellous woman who talks boastfully of how she squirts breast milk across the room to discipline her cats, like a handy squirt gun.) "Oh, so who's your boyfriend and girlfriend?" "B. and N." "OMG not the incredibly fucking hot (*attempt at expressive hand gesture meant to convey sexy body and like, presence of giant brain*) woman I was in the hot tub with who just... *second speechless hand gesture meant to convey intellectual and physical lust*" "Why yes! And yes she is so very *more funny hand gestures* And oh, here they come now... you should...*expressive glance with eyebrow-waggling*" "Yes I most certainly SHOULD..." What, telepathy? It was hilarious. Wait - I just realized you might think I'm talking about H.W. the wondrous librarian but I mean the other one. Unless they're both librarians.

*** continue for the long version if you like the details and overanalysis and will try not to laugh at me ***

And then, omg, the sleaziness. I don't remember what we said but there was sudden massive critical mass of flirtatiousness to the point where I was being picked up and wrapping my legs around B. and lord knows what-all else. Then like good little children we sat on the floor in a little circle and extended mental tentacles and there was some kind of negotiatyness that was nebulous yet positive in a crunchy granola respectful wholesome way; and I think making us all realize that yes, we were on the same page. It is interesting to see the things I said years ago be true still in experience - that it is important to share sort of social or community assumptions. Well anyway I could go blathering on but it was really super sparky contact and left us all feeling giddy and smug.

This - appallingly - all right in the 2nd floor central lobby on the floor where lord knows, Debbie was laughing her ass off at me - in her sort of benevolent indulgent way - approvingly I'm sure... So I made a complete spectacle of myself and for the split second that I was aware of that aspect of it, I thought of Scraps the Patchwork Girl who said, "I hate dignity!" Dignity, I so cheerfully give you the finger. I think we lost awareness of whatever else was going on outside of our little gravitational circle, we got so intense. It reminded me a little bit of this story where the teenage island group all share a "sensorium"... they subvocalize and sort of mutually info-surf...and live on offshore artificial islands... what was that story? I just read it recently. For a while I felt like we were a different species with our funny bright hair (which they were saying they do for filter purposes just as I do...) and our funny negotiating-circle mind meld on the floor. There was a little bit of ... i dunno, neck biting and flirty caressing. It was quite romantic.

They had to leave. We shook hands cross-wise and made a pact to hook up whenever possible. Alas! but yay! And they are gaming nerds too. And B. made me swoon as I realized suddenly they are also huge perverts (well, duh, I guess) and she is a heavy bottom who never shuts up. Hellooooo. Push my buttons! Hot! N. also cute as a bug.

I went up to whump and cyn's room to take a shower before my long plane ride. and then ran into K. and we had another sudden intense conversation where we were suddenly talking about Everything and also flirting suddenly not in a hoochie-coochie way but in a much more exciting way on some level. I am actually not sure what to call this or what to think of it or how is it or what one expects from life. I guess the high of it is the sense of connection possible. Like we were suddenly looking at each other from some emotionally naked point of view (made possible by exhaustion?) and saying "anything is possible." I'm sorry if that sounds too high-falutin'... A funny conversation about relationships and time and what things mean and how to live. Because anything is not quite possible. You can have many relationships - just not the same one with everyone. (And to me - that being the important part and the sluttiness of sex being... well.. just what Dotty always says and what was the first sentence of her thesis: "Sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." Or was it the other way around? So the sex part of it being like an expression of friendship, attention, caring about another person's pleasure - what could be nicer? and perhaps there is a ritual component to it as well. People get so hung up on sex and transgressiveness of it and porno-ness and sure, I like that, but it is the intimacy that is super great - trust and vulnerability? Well. This, too, could have been somewhat imaginary. But I realized that I wished for that sort of thing from her and actually also from, um, "E." (the sudden massive multi-level crush on E. but I am clueless about cultural differences and don't want to go over people's boundaries, or reserve...) so that there's something I want to say or offer that is like, "bosom friends, or occasional trustworthy intimate lovers, or whatever, but something heartfelt." (Would it be too dorky of me, too American and puppy-unwelcome-licking-of-the-face, to write a note to her saying that I have a bit of a crush...?)

Fine - most people just "make friends" in some normal way - why do I .... Arrrrgh... I know I'm too intense most of the time...

On the negative, snow-queen's-ice-splinter-in-eye-and-heart side, one could say that I am deeply fucked up, conflate or confuse sex and love, am boundaryless, shallow, am an attention whore, and enjoy mindfucking people who would be much happier and better left alone. And so much more! I hope one would NOT say that...

It's not like it doesn't occur to me to question myself. But every time I ask the questions I conclude: No - I just really like people and don't see the point of not saying or acting on it. I love being slutty (emotionally or otherwise) and don't think it makes emotions or relationships shallower than other people's. And when i look at how I actually live it seems quite balanced and good and I'm so happy!

Comments

[heather w]

well, for a few lines there I enjoyed having a boyfriend and a girlfriend with "sexy body and like, presence of giant brain"! alas in reality I should be attending the remedial "how to flirt" panels...