work work work

Yesterday I went to another talk but really a small discussion group led by the guy who lectured on Borehays. He talked about queer lit and queer studies in Lat. Amer. ... interesting ideas from everyone, a little vague, uncertain, questioning. Then we all went and had coffee. I told the dude about my anthology project... and he liked it and said i should submit it to this certain very cool place and then it turned out he is on the committee for that place. And it would be incredibly ideal if that happened. so that I nearly had a heart attack hoping that I had not just made an ass of myself.

And my heartattack continues as I realize how I have talked big about this project all over the place and yet it is not realy anywhere near done, and I need to get cracking and my possible credibility (not like I actually have any credibility yet) is on the line. Yipes!!!!

And that Prof. F. probably was deliberately introducing me and she didn't mind (it wasn't like I was just tagging along) and that in a way this puts her on the line too right? that if I fuck it up or don't follow through it makes her look like she is backing the wrong horse. It is weird to feel like the horse, that's all I'm saying. (And she is so scary fierce. She makes quick judgements.)

The other dude who is in my class, Jam, got a ride from me. and I have to say, he is super polished and sort of intimidates me in how he always sounds like he is ... that whole academic professional thing... but as we drove across the bridge it became clear that is a huge fake act and he spent many years owning nightclubs in M3xico City and being something of a drugged up hard-boozing nightlife literary nerd and he feels like a constant imposter in academia much as I do. I hope his fiction is good because I asked to read it and would hate to not like it when he was so nice. And he also had sort of a sponsor-prof who wanted him to apply, and got rejected and then reapplied and got in the next year.

Jam's word on this was, "the dept. is kind of fucked up with no leadership like herding cats and no one wants to lead, it's disorganized, and they beyond discourage creative endeavors, they want to be ivy league and produce little clones who churn out respectable papers, but come, come come to us, you are head and shoulders above so many of these people... they are mediocre..." I could not believe he said such flattering things. I have often while admiring his ability to turn on the slick blarney of academicspeak wondered if it is not a little boring to talk for 2 hours with what seems like wearing critical-theory blinders. And yet if I could do that kind of focus I would be "more professional". So it was nice of him to drop the curtain for a bit and have a good gossip.

Jam also said that nearly everyone in the dept. is faking it with the multi-languages and can't stand the hard requirements and the ancient language req. was hard and felt pointless.

And that I shoudl try to get the dept. to give me a teaching job anyway next semester. Hummm! If that were possible, it would be just perfect.

Okay - enough of this, I am diving into my dictionaries for a while.

I'm a little terrified.

Comments

[Prentiss Riddle]

Academic lit-nerd nightclub owner! What more could one aspire to in a single lifetime?