One fancy-ass bezerkely thrift store and dry pair of jeans later.
The party was fun, I felt really comfortable all of a sudden, I limbered up, got un-diffident, and talked to B.S. who started telling me all about the poetry scene in Queergentina. Cool! Professor F. introduced everyone to everyone else as being "very cool" or "amazingly interesting" ... but I was feeling interesting and also interested in everyone else and what they know about.... one of my favorite things is to meet people and hear whatever it is they have filtered through all of their reading and knowledge that's bubbled up to the top of their judgement of what's interesting. I actually like to hear people talk about their projects (just, not if they're like that one guy I used to go to school with who had only one gimmick (how ears were like sex, or something) and had only read like, one book by L4can, my least favorite theorist...)
I feel a wild surge of hope that I might be able to just sort of hang around the dept. somehow? as a TA? just a hanger-on and "going to re-apply" sort of person? I gave Midge a ride home, and he said it might not be completely impossible that I get in after all in fall if I do some fast talking and persuading. I doubt it... but the TA-ing could be possible perhaps. Maybe I can, uh, be someone's research assistant or something?
Am I not too pathetic? aaaaagh. But seriously I like the whole thing. it is true i am too interdisciplinary and flakey and my language isn't good enough. But i swear if i get my foot in the door of it all, I can kick ass, and prof. F. .... damn... I love how she thinks! and sometimes it is weirdly parallel to how i think, like during B.S.'s talk I was thinking of this one scene in a particular book and how it was related to what B.S. was saying and to stuff we were talking about in class about how the b4roque functions as a distraction and how it's like footnotes. and I am not making this up, professor F. brought it up during the discussion and no one else in the room but me and her had read the book. ?? WTF. that was very strange. It was from the chapter of the book that I had once xeroxed and wheatpasted up all over austin as part of this literature-flyering series... the exact page...
anyway, i was schmoozy i guess but I really enjoy talking to everyone when I'm feeling really on and up and awake. Maybe it was the wet-butt scare; maybe it was the coffee.
I said something dorkily wistful to F. about how I will be in exile and need an excuse to continue hanging around in the fall and she was like, PSHAW! You must not be allowed to escape! You will be around forever! Yes... Jo is right, it is nice to feel wanted by a mentor sort of person! But even better by one I admire... Well, if it works out then okay, if nothing miraculous happens I will do what I can this fall for work and will re-apply.
We were all gossipping about the quirks of the departments of state and bezerkley and the badness of the sp4nish dept at state... very enjoyable...
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