badgerbag: messy, surly, full of books: "it burns" isn't really sufficient

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I love those bad harry potter fanfics... It's an unhealthy addiction... (Thanks, pottersues!

Harriet had never been so embarrassed Hermione was pushing around down there trying to show Harriet how to put on a tampon.
“There’s really nothing to it, just push your virginal folds apart and push it in” Hermione said.

After that very embarrassing episode Harriet had to ask, “Hermione are you a lesbian?”

Hermione laughed and said no “Oh” Harriet said. “Why do you ask?” Hermione asked, “I kind of thought you were when I caught you staring at some of the other girls butts”.

Rook is laughing at my outraged comments. "Neville would NEVER say that." "As IF Harriet would be automatically good friends with LAVENDER."

Today (yesterday?) in the car Moomin was asking questions about W0rmtongue. "He is from Lorrd of the Rings, right? And he is very powerful and he has a fight with G4ndalf with staffs." "No, actually, he doesn't. That was S4ruman. and W0rmtongue is sort of a wimp and G4ndalf can just snap his fingers and W0rmtongue will slink away in disgrace." Rook jumped in with his method of explaining. "Yeah. W0rmtongue is not very powerful. It's like he has only.. Power 100. No. Not even power 100. power 50." "Oh! So Wormtonngue has power 50?" Me, outraged: "What! oh, come on. W0rmtongue doesn't have power points! Moomin honey, Daddy is just making an analogy, it's LIKE he is power 50. He doesn't reallly have, um, points...." I trailed off as Rook was laughing like a maniac at me. "HAhahaha wormtongue in REAL LIFE doesn't hahahahaha"

I tried to save face wtih a long digression about how worm = wyrm = dragon = persuasiveness... He's not called Worm because he is like a slimy earthworm, it's because he is a cunning adviser; a point that probably escaped me the first 30 times I read those books and you know... it's important to pass on those crucial bits of wisdom to your child. I was interrupted.

Moomin has an iron will, though he appears docile and quiet. "Well. In MY PRETEND MOVIE ON MY PRETEND TV, Wormt0ngue and G4ndalf have a battle with their magic staffs. "

*smug, dreamy silence from the backseat*

***
p.s. Harriet Potter would NOT wear a tube top. I like it better when they give hermione a punk makeover and she has sexy bondage pants and a lot of eyeliner.

p.p.s. the same fanfic author (age estimate.... 15? 16?) has an even funnier story that is strangely charming, where H.P. is a werewolf AND a vampire.