When Moomin wanted the pink hello kitty gloves with sparkles and pink fur cuffs I said no and suggested we go look at the other rack in the boys' section. I'd already bought him some girl things that were not too extreme and we had a conversation where he asked me about how they said "girls' socks" or "girls' world" or whatever the brand of pajamas were. And the rainbow scarf. and etc. I feel like he rejects some things as being "for a girl" but not others and we have these discussions where he asks and I say that girls or boys can wear whatever it is or do whatever it is.
So why did I balk at the pink gloves... I was buying them for our visit to Rook's parents and sisters and I had this picture of them being appalled.. and then again the picture of his kids in nursery school remembering his gloves or whatever and beating him up next year on the playground. Etc. etc. Am I being unrealistic to teach him that he can wear whatever he wants? And of the people that would think me a bad parent for doing that, would I care if they do? Is there a line and where is it? But you know our own parents must have dealt with this for us. And I realized suddenly if I had a little girl dressing super butch I'd be all like "Yeah! go! fuck you, world!" on her behalf and would not be worrying that her school life would be tough or that people would think I was warping my kid. and whatever, i grew up in wranglers with knee patches and filthy tshirts and plaid flannel except for church, holidays, and piano recitals. No one seemed ready to beat me up because of it, really.
Dammit i should go back and buy him the gloves. Or next time, not be that way. Why was I a jerk about it? It's not really an easy answer.
It's not like I'm shoving the sparkly things in front of him and going "Here Moomin how about THESE." I think he likes them because he sees me wear that sort of thing. But also he just does. I know perfectly well going into the old n4vy that he will want the little white tshirt with a kitten and a butterfly on it. And then we go look at the boy clothes and they are all about snarling men on sports equipment and he just shrugs and I don't blame him... they're ugly and boring.... (dinosaurs and superheros are good, though, as are stripes and flames.)
Rook and I talked about it and he's not sure either but he seems to agree with me that it's weird and wrong to discourage pink sparkly when we would be okay with the hypothetical girl and her endless football uniforms or Hulk sneakers or whatever. He mentioned that he was aware of the issue when Moomin brought his super-girly stuffed pony with the pink mane to school but didn't at all discourage it. Imagine if we had a girl and worried that if it brought her tonka truck to school people would think we were making our kid dykey. Seems unlikely doesn't it? Jesus! I can't believe i have that much internalized whatever-ism (nellyphobia?) but there it is. It amazes me. It must be about 10 million times worse in other people if it's bothering me at all or I'm even aware of it. Once again: I am incredulous at myself. What a hypocrite I seem to myself right now for my flustered moment before the rack of gilttering kitty mittens. Of all people.
Rook pointed out that he tries hard to think of ways to show Moomin positive masculinity. He does an awesome job of this. Of course.
Meanwhile I also ponder the moment at the playground yesterday when I didn't know what to do or say when Merlin punched Moomin. I'm sorry to microanalyze it but can't help it:
I thought he had the wind knocked out of him but then thought he said "pushed" and I didn't completely see the incident. Then it became clear that Merlin punched him in the stomach (and I know how hard Merlin can haul off and hit.) While Moomin can burst into tears at a mere insult, this was different and kind of a big shock for him. He was crying in my lap and I just looked at Jo and said something like, "What do i say.. i have no earthly idea." "I dunno!" Strangely it was comforting to know that Jo was also stumped and there was no real right answer. I tried to say 2 things that were sort of complex. I knew he had gotten up in Merlin's face when Merlin was yelling at Sophie, and I wanted him to know I thought that was brave and good of him, but that he has to realize it means that if you mess with someone who's already angry, you risk being hit. He seemed to get this, a little bit, and we talked about it more later. I do sometimes tell him to just leave a situation if someone's being mean. But if he wants to step in, and he often does, in a way half prissy, bossy and self-righteous, but the other half quite heroic, then... well I think I should not discourage that 100%. Merlin had pushed sophie and yelled something mean at her and sophie was crying at the bottom of the slide. Moomin got in between them and began to go into his very loud speech; "You should NOT say bad fings to Sophie, Merlin." (I can see how my friend, Merlin's mom, sees this more or less as Moomin provoking her kid in a goody-goody annoying way. But I also see the sweet, knightly, brave side of it.) The 2nd concept I tried to get across is that it is bad to hit anyone ever, and I strongly expect Moomin never to hit anyone; but that Merlin is not a "bad guy", and he is Moomin's friend, but sometimes he loses his cool and forgets how to be nice. Later he talked about "I get sad and mad when someone says bad things to me or punches me. But then maybe we are friends again." I dont' want to teach him in any way that he should tolerate people being mean to him or hitting him. I'm afraid that I might be, just by letting him play with people who I know might do that. But all kids seem to be nasty to each other or hurt each other and I also realize that I'm possibly on the extreme side of expecting pacifism. That another group of people and certainly another generation would think that it is totally normal for little kids to hit each other and that's just how it is.
I can't help it that I don't want it to be like that... And Minnie and I, that I remember, always played pretty controlled violent games in which the main rule was that I had to be super careful not to really hurt her since she was way smaller. I think my parents taught us both that sort of thing and they were always really careful not to hurt us while roughhousing in whatever way. Actual hitting from my parents was not unknown in moments of anger but it was pretty rare (and utterly terrifying/horrifying like some kind of unbelievable break in reality). And the sort of books I read... well imagine the Tr3asure Seekers of E. Nesb1t or S4ra the Little Princess hauling off and punching their sibling or friend in the nose. NOT. It was just not done.
Anyway, Merlin sat out with his mom for a while and then came and apologized and clowned around in his amazing comic-genius way which made Moomin laugh hysterically and worship him. And they were instant friends again and played nicely for an hour. Moomin adores Merlin's wild silly graceful cavorting freedom and his clowning around and I still think that Merlin is good for him in this way of loosening him up. They both like to be very silly and do things like stuff a million cheetos in their mouths and try to talk through them.... Merlin is overly repressed sometimes, I'm aware... And I noticed that while Merlin's apologies used to be non-existant or forced, he actually meant it this time and was sincere. He is changing and clearly doesn't want his friends to be hurt or upset when he's calmed down a little.
I can't really save him from the random cruelty of other children once they're all at some vaguely supervised recess... I just want to give him some kind of foundation... an ethical or moral foundation to understand... without that, kids just seem to turn into the sort of people who repeat whatever cruelty comes their way.
