2 people (neither of them chula, she is going with someone else) asked me to the party coming up and I said no -- just reflexively figuring I would not have time and should go easy on the going-out-to-parties without inviting rook as my date. i was gonna ask rook to the Other smaller party next month. But then a 3rd person asked me and I was just like "okay. THREE hot sexy perverted intelligent nerdy writerly women want to play with me. maybe all at once. " and desire to go to this party and be mega-slutty flared up hot in me. I asked rook about it sort of jokingly and after pissing him off amazingly and immediately with my flip attitude I also realized it is our friend Z's party that day. For a moment I thought, "Oh, good, I can run off to the party and rook won't be home alone, he will go to the party with Moomin." Uh. I am heinous. HEINOUS. I can't believe it even crossed my mind. Pretty instantaneously I then thought, "Do I want to be the kind of person who DOES that? Oh. NO. Actually I do not, and while it's very heady to be asked to the naked perverts' prom by several charming homecoming queens and to imagine some kind of unimaginable combination of playing with all of them at once and establishing some kind of instant slutty friendship, I don't want to miss our friend Z's party and not be by Rook's side." I mean, duh. And do I want to be the sort of person who says "Yes I'll be there" but then who doesn't show up because some new acquaintances have hit on me? No actually I don't.
And i think that i have to plan these things in advance and not just a few days beforehand go "ooo, sounds fun, i'll run off all of a sudden and leave Rook and Moomin in the lurch" that actually seems incredibly guaranteed to piss everyone off.
Can I just confess this straight out? I get possessed with the desire to seduce people sometimes. However there will be many other parties and opportunities and different lovely people to get to know. I want to know people and be immensely fond of them. God I just feel like an alien creature at this moment, an alien creature on the wrong planet. A social being, sort of amorphous and blurry around the edges, inserting my pseudopodia into the oral grooves of other strange beings, exchanging cellular material and merging for a while and then disengaging but having mixed ourselves up a little. Extroversion and xenophilia together very strongly...
So I'm sitting here thinking "God, I should not even have asked. I should not even have wanted." but that is wrong. I won't think that....
I don't think that desires can be controlled. And I don't think that asking is evil. there has to be communication for there to be any sort of negotiation or give and take... I am very negotiable. Pun intended.
But it is well known that I have no tact. That much, I think I can be better at maybe...
lizzard, dearie,
do what you need to do in relation to ze party. if i see you there, lovely; if not, you obviously have much going on that needs sorting out.
mayhap we will see each other at some later point before i scamper off to the wooly wilds of the east coast?
be well, and i do genuinely hope we get to hang out before i away.
xoxo,
miss bean
Posted by: miss bean | August 19, 2004 at 11:00 PM