awash in domestic glory, musing on minor dark moments

It's sunny and nice. I've hosed off the lawn chairs. The wasps are dead.

I'm folding the fourth load of laundry and wondering why I promised Squid that I'd never, never in a million years ruin the cool vintage clothing she gave me. (Okay. to give me credit, I did segregate out many things for dry cleaning which I never otherwise do. But... the incredibly lovely lacy "peach" dress is now definitely not peach. It is an attractive lavender. Fucking oops. Will she kill me?)

I'm thinking of what Masha was trying to say to me about jealousy last night. For her it used to consume her with jealousy even when I talked about someone or she saw me have a good conversation with them. (And I think of Dr. Dicke who used to die of jealousy if I was, like, out of sight or earshot for more than 5 minutes - I used to just pretend not to notice his seething, which over time began to drive me crazy, fill me with rebellion, but at the same time, to control me in horrible subtle ways.)

I told her that I had actually experienced jealousy very rarely. Maybe I will tell some stories of when I did feel it.

One time I was at a party and was from across the room watching my then-partner play with someone else. They were sweet and tender and hot together. I couldn't actually see that well. I wondered what the heck they were doing. I worried a little what they were doing. I wished I could see, but I also wondered if I should be watching or if I wanted to be watching. I wondered if I were that good. Maybe the new person knew things I didn't know and had the secrets of sex down in a way I could never understand. All my lameness would become clear. Would they do all the same things that she and I had done? Would I remain unique in her thoughts and memory? After a very little time passed I began having a whole fantasy of my partner and this other person getting to know each other, falling in love, maybe a period of adjustment or polyamory but then the end of the story was her leaving me for the fascination of the new person and part of the story was that it was somehow deserved by me, or served me right, and I was filled with imaginary, lonely, middle-of-the-night regrets. And they would talk about me and pity me and laugh at me, and so would everyone else. And they'd be a million times cooler than me, and the other person would be somehow better for my partner than I ever was, and help her be more self-actualizing and it would just show up for everyone how I was bad for my partner and nearly destroyed her soul. All our friends would pick my former partner to be on her side. I'd have no one to call in the middle of the night.

The whole breakup would show me myself in the worst kind of mirror. And I'd never get over it, either; I'd still be in love with my partner as all this went down. This whole scenario played itself out evilly in my head in about 2 minutes or maybe even less like a horrible nightmare. And then I thought about what I was thinking for a while. And I continued watching and started to savor the jealousy-feeling perversely in a decadent, scab-picking way. On some level I was also happy for my then-partner that she was getting fabulous pleasure (I hoped sincerely) and feeling popular and desired. And I wished for there to be good human contact and friendship as well as a sleazy random sexy encounter. But there was still this pocket of fear inside me somewhere.

I'm just saying. About 99.999999 percent of the time I have more sense than that, but there is a jealousy story for you.

Is that jealousy? What is jealousy for you, gentle readers?

Comments

[Wendryn]

Jealousy for me is the fear of losing something I value. If a relationship is open and both primary partners (or all of the primary partners, however it works) are secure in their relationships, then jealousy is not a problem in my experience. If one person gets insecure, though, jealousy seems to be catching and runs rampant rather quickly.

I have been jealous a couple of times - my ex used to fall in love with other people, compare me to them (to my detriment), and then get involved with them, and if he kept comparing me to them, singing their praises and telling me how much he'd prefer them, I would get jealous because I was afraid he would leave me. The times that he fell for someone and didn't compare, I had no problem at all with the open relationship because I knew that, at that point, we were solid enough together to not make me worry.

Outside of that relationship I have not been jealous at all.

[Jo]

I think jealousy comes from insecurity, which means that most of the time, I'm jealous, in one form or another. It comes and goes with my blood sugar level and my annoyance factor. I guess I'm not that jealous of my husband's relationships, though. So not jealous in that sense.

[Iris]

Definitely based just about totally on insecurity so you must always have been the dominant person in your relationships. Once one of my lovers was having a secret affair and for the month before he told me I had a string of agonisingly jealous dreams and woke up crying and grinding my teeth.Also during my first 'love of my life' relationship when I was 18 everyone was reading 'The Idiot' and all found the ending strange and inexplicable. But I did not and would have far preferred my boyfriend to die than leave me for someone else. I had no desire at all for him to be happy - just to stay locked to me.

[badgerbag]

But my point is not to rag on jealousy... just making that clear... I'm trying to look at what it is in an accepting way. Not that I wnat to feel jealous or think that I should feel it to prove somethingorother. I think part of what is so hard about jealousy is feeling guilty and bad for feeling it and I want to be able to feel it, look at it, think about what it means, and let it go, if that is possible.

[leblanc]

i could write volumes about my own stuggles with jealousy. consider yourself incredibly blessed that your experiences are so limited.

are we talking relationship jealousy, or overall? there is a significant difference.

i have almost never experienced relationship-jealousy, as i've been lucky enough in my life to only have parterns who never cheated or distracted themselves with other women or men.

however, everyday jealousy eats at me. like Jo, some days it arises out of nowhere - i get jealous when i see people i don't even know looking happy and content with eachother. i get jealous when i see really beautiful women with gorgeous skin and tight butts and nice shoes. i get jealous when my world-travelling friends send me emails from Uzbekistan and i've been sitting here at the same desk for 5 years and i seeth with jealousy. all of these of course stem from insecurity, and then eventually turn into self-hatred.

it's no wonder it's (aka envy) one of the seven sins. it can tear you apart.

[squid]

The clothes were a gift. Unlike your "How We Grow..." book that Iz and Leelo have almost completely shredded. I will find another copy.

I tend to be so completely clueless that jealousy is irrelevant. So and so did what right in front of me? Oh. Really? Hmmm.

The one time I did get embroiled, it was bad. I found out about the one of probably many women that my First Big Love was boffing behind my back. Initially I told him that I didn't mind, as long as it was over. And it didn't occur to me that they might have done anything other than kissing because I was, again, clueless.

After a while, though, the slow burn of jealousy ate away all my post-virginal scruples about fidelity. I started bonking other men, too. He found out because I got drunk and told him over the phone, and he wigged out totally. He apparently had me idealized as HIS Madonna/whore.

Things got nastier and heavily intertwined with other relationships, including a lot of peoples' feelings that I took for granted. So I cut all my strings and went to live in Africa. Then I came home feeling purified and baggage-free, and met my current partner. And I was ready for him.

Even though I remain clueless, I never take him for granted--not emotionally, nor am I jealous of his spending time with other people.

Though I am jealous that you had a party last night and didn't invite me. ;P