holing up

It is too rainy to do anything. I spent the morning shovelling out McCoot's office-office, which was fun but hard work. He seemed in low spirits. I liked being at Stfnord early in the morning to work. Ah, the cubes, the smell of copy paper, the skeevy coffee room, the hum of the central heat, the lure of possibly mooching some free stuff from what McCoot wants thrown away.

Moomin busily playing. He is into making these tall constructions - precariously balanced sideways block things. This latest one is called "A Model of a Machine".

When I came back inside after putting in some laundry, the smell of the spaghetti sauce was divine, divine... I made it the semi-nice way with canned tomatoes but fresh herbs and frying onions and tiny parmesan-breadcrumb-garlic meatballs. I was going to make zucchini but I don't know if I have the energy.

I keep thinking of Raelyn still. They had to take out a whole bunch of muscle from under her arms and her chest and so she has really limited use of her arms and probably a long long road of physical therapy.

Austerity plans for me are back in force. I am somewhat careless with money - not super awful like some people I know who do things like run up their credit cards with fancy sets of furniture - but bad like buying pointless office supplies or a 20 dollar t-shirt here and there and mostly bad about buying lunch for myself quite often, and too many books (though they are used, quantity makes up for lack of quality). I must stop pissing money away if we are going to be able to afford a house.

I have trouble picturing what life will be like in 30 years. 30 year loan - I would be 65 if we stayed in that house till it was paid off. Moomin would be almost my age. What do we want our life to be like? What is reasonable to expect that it CAN be like? I am unsure. It woudl not be like the fancy professor houses I sometimes visit. I like the idea of genteel and comfortable decay. To have a house, at least at first we would have to have a roommate. There is an extra bit of the house, but again, it is not a legal addition. What if I have another baby? And what about the co-housing dream? Instead of that I get to buy further into capitalism and as owner of the house with a renting roommate, I become an evil landlord. Hmm. Rook terrified of the trap. I can't make as much money as he does, etc. I consider plans like moving into tiny apartment and renting the rambly, ugly, comfortable house, so that we afford for him not to work for a while and he can write. Oh, god, what to do? It seems like continuing to rent is dumb on some level but it is also flexible.

Am perfectly comfortable now in life, but we are not saving money. Everyone talks sagely of building equity. My retirement account is crap, Rook doesn't even have one, and my social security will also be crap, given my years of joblessness or super crappy part time jobs. I would like to be able to help people, help bail Moomin out of jail and give my Uncle Looney a room for him to put his bowling trophies and rock polishers, in 2025 or so, not to be living in 1 room with my cats and all my books in storage as I eat dry toast 3 meals a day and water my lonely old lady geraniums. Clearly I will never get to travel (my dream of living in Peru or somewhere). We are 35, overeducated, and completely clueless.