Just a silly crazy little babbling rambling random self-deprecation alert from a no-one girl

I would like everyone, including myself, to use less self-deprecation, in their blogs, blog titles and descriptions, posts, emails, conversation, and life in general. How are you gendering your self presentation and what survival strategy is this? Do you need it? Is it working? Are you doing it on purpose? Consider.

We can do this on purpose and reclaim patriarchal judgments on "feminine" discursive strategy and that's what's often being attempted - and we can join the "howl" and do the girlpower thing and YET... YET... YET. It doesn't always work. Out of a context of reclaiming, it is completely misinterpreted.

In many contexts it's not reclaimable, just as performative sex-positive femininity is not, because we don't have control. Rather than revaluing uncertainty, subjectivity, non-expertise, un-knowing, as we want to, we're disempowering ourselves systematically.

Here are some words and phrases to watch out for.

Irrationality
* babbling
* random
* crazy
* silly
* rambling
* ranting (see my tagline, above!)

Infantilization and belittling
* little
* girl
* girly
* mommy

Insignificance
* just ("just a random girl")
* only
* little
* silly
* tenative
* halfway

Disclaimer phrases to disavow responsibility
* I think
* Maybe
* I don't really know, but
* I'm not an expert, but
* I'm not sure,
* You're probably much better at this than I am,
* I don't really understand,

My mission:

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

Yes, we are judged harshly as women if we DON'T use these rhetorical strategies to pre-devalue all that we say -- whether we're right or not. And we're judged more harshly if we make a positive statement and happen to be wrong. SO WHAT. Stand up and be wrong then.

Yes it's okay to say "I don't know." It should be more okay.

It's also okay to make a strong statement without qualifying it.

I'm resolving to fight this a lot harder.

We should work on both fronts. We need to be calling each other on self-deprecation. Arrogance training.

At the same time, working harder to get men to talk in a way that is less damned arrogant and sure-acting and expert-y when they don't know any more than we do. Calling them on it, being more aware of it, pointing it out in public. It's especially helpful when men call out other men on their BS-ing -- in front of women.

A combination, a balance, code-switching according to context, could work -- but won't bring down the system that rewards men for overconfident arrogance and women for self-deprecating bullshit.

What do you think? What ways do you notice other people doing this? And what ways do you note your own participation in this gendered communication system?

Comments

[Lisa Hirsch]

When I was writing peer-review on another writer's document, my (female! very tough!) boss had me soften my comments considerably. They were comments to a man. I've wondered ever since if she makes the guys soften their comments, and if so, to whom.

I have been trying to fight the urge to use qualifiers in myself. I have had some success.

[vito excalibur]

Shit yeah.

I already try to do this, but it's good to be reminded to.

And I am aware that I am probably the woman that needs this the least! Sigh.

Do you know synecdochic? I just met her and her fabulous idea which is the Monday morning pride post. You post something good you did that week. It was surprisingly hard. Good exercise I think.

[badgerbag]

It is surprisingly tough!

I also find it super hard to edit out the self-deprecating and unsure when I should and shouldn't.

[fridawrites]

Since I'm well out of badgerbag's reach, I'm not an expert, but I think maybe I'm going to have to just stop writing random crazy rants in my little posts, though I'm not sure and you're better at this than I am. Maybe that's just silly.

Oh, this is a tough one for me. It really is. I try to predicate everything.

[fridawrites]

Qualify everything, I qualify everything. Not predicate everything. I will own my mistake, wahahahaha.

[badgerbag]

No! No! I suck more than you! I SWEAR. Please don't hurt me.

[fridawrites]

I can't. I'm disabled. [Falls over laughing.]

[oursin]

Ummm, errr: cultural issues here! Being English, understatement, self-deprecation, and apologising for having one's foot stood on are national characteristics (though can sometimes usefully be deployed in a hostile way, as in the exquisitely polite backstab...).

Also, for me there is a difference between playing with/exploring ideas and thoughts - for which a degree of provisionality in the expression is entirely appropriate - and speaking in a more authoritative fashion in other circumstances.

[k]

I am too old and too tired to worry about what words I use or what words guys use. And the older I get the less I care!

[Lori S.]

I think context (and code-switching) is an important factor. I try to cut out direct self-deprecation. But, as oursin says, sometimes provisionality in the stating of ideas is useful and appropriate. The key to me is that the ideas are provisional, though. I am not.

[Megan]

Great post.

I try to do exactly what you're talking about, but sometimes it requires ruthless...and I do mean ruthless, editing.

Megan
www.megansminute.com

[Pretty Lady]

Oh, darling, I ruthlessly exploit this system. Shocking how effective it is, to sadly confess to having, say, an IQ which fetches up against the extreme end of the bell curve, and speak ever so patiently to those cute little boys who have such fierce opinions, poor things, getting all riled up like that.

When things get really ugly, I bring out the big guns; I tell the boys to mind their manners. They tremble and comply. Tellingly, the only commenters I have ever had to ban have been female.

[danny]

Speaking as an English person myself, I think it has just as an emotionally crippling effect on our national culture as it does on women. It feels like a defence against bullies in society, but it just enables them.

[Ide Cyan]

The thing about removing these rhetorical strategies is, *telling* people that you're removing them highlights their absence and skews the effects of the strategy.