I can walk around for 10 or 15 minutes now, mostly with crutches. Then I have to lie down again.
It was nice to be up today. I went outside, looked around, managed to water a bit of the garden, moved books from room to room, washed dishes and sat up at my desk to eat. Also, I have an easier time concentrating.
At these moments, it's glorious to look at green beans growing on a vine!
It's still frustrating, and I am cranky, and after a while standing up, my leg is on fire - like sheets of fire flashing down to my foot.
I really wished I could swim today, but was uncertain about the drive. I know I could make it, but in this state, it could put me right back into not being able to walk at all. Maybe on Saturday morning.
G. was so awesome again today and ripped through my books all the way to I think J or L, in fiction. The gender/feminism/theory/translation/culturalstudies/philosophy books are now all kind of lumped in one place in the hallway, and there are more of them than I had realized. Translation theory will likely get its own section. Spanish and bilingual books and translated novels (because they often have the original next to them) are all in a Spanish-language section. The history and mythology sections are coalescing a bit better, as well.
While she was doing that (barring a bit of chatting) I did work stuff. I tried setting up my two organizey group things on Facebook; one recurring event and one the co-wr0rking space that really should have a better name. OOOO I just thought of a good one. What about High Forest (after the street names). We could have a very cool illustration for that, a floaty tree city in the sky. Anyway! My point was that I felt very odd declaring a thing, and basically spamming my friends and acquaintances, even though they did not seem to mind it. I don't mind it when they invite me to their stuff! Still, it was strange.
My mom sent a way more sane-sounding email though somewhat resentful and chilly. It now sounds like she has her own agenda, really, of getting my dad to look at houses and neighborhoods. The whole "OMG EMergency take care of Badger" thing was a tool to make my dad take it seriously that they should live here. I think of her reaction to my other relatives' crises and it is always similar. "You should let me totally take over your life!" No! It is classic, she wants to do something and she has to use the needs she projects onto others in order to be able to express what she wants, because she can't just say what she wants directly!
I will express clearly to her today that when I say no, I do not want to be pushed or asked again. And, I thought of several small projects she and my dad could do that will keep them out of my books and papers and the things I care about.
In other areas I am feeling kind of annoyed with myself and others. I have my own boundaries. I know it could be partly my situation right now, especially with my family complicating things. but in another way that makes it even more important I draw my own boundaries.
I like to feel fun, interesting, etc. and I like to do fun creative stuff, and make things and do things, even things that are kind of idiotic. Also I like to feel free and happy and exploratory. This is not some idle declaration of how I would like ideally to be; I have a huge long history of being productive and interesting and free and happy, and have put effort into making my life be such that that is possible. I respond well to flattery, appeals to shallow vanity, interest in what I make and do, attention, and positivity. And by "respond well" I mean, blossom with happy productivity. Also, being included in things and respected in plans. Like most people I don't like to feel rejected, cheap, dissed and blown off. Anyway, ignoring all those things about me is like misusing a complicated tool, like using a computer as a hammer or a doorstop; pointless, doesn't work, and it damages the tool.
The good thing is I am capable of recognizing that and can speak up and say so instantly. While this makes me feel bitchy, and I think a bit longingly of denial and its comforts, I think here my bitchy reaction is progress. It is good to express it if it's there.
What I would like right now is to have a juicy, hard, thinky project that I would have to figure out, that I could tackle, and do, and finish, and feel that I've conquered. I know that might sound odd. But I want to make something cool and I feel quite frustrated. I don't care what it is; or if it's for work or writing or whatever. I just need a tangible result. Also, some fun would be really a relief. If only someone would like to go on an adventure, or a road trip, or do something odd that neither of us have done, or do an odd project, in the free spirit that I love doing those things. I should work on the particular project I love and believe in, obviously. Why haven't I been? too tired, distracted, freaked out, too much reading about wheelchair brake systems and wheel camber instead; though I need to do a lot of that.
Really sometimes it's like having been off in a distant country and I feel culture shock being around my own friends and family. It's like I'm on Mars and they're on Earth and we're waving across the void. I am in this world now where I can't rely on anything (physical capabilities) and i have to stay anchored in myself.
Although I am so tired of being in this room I also appreciate its comfortableness and (new) (relative) neatness.
When I can get out (very soon now) I will be so happy and free feeling.