Iris complains that teaching has eaten up my blogging and jealously she says that now I am thinking only of these (boring to her) students and not properly entertaining her with the emo-drama of my life and my thoughts on books or whatever else makes my blog interesting.
It's not the teaching, it's the full time job on top of teaching. My information feeds are in a huge upheaval and instead of paying attention to quite a lot of the blogosphere, now I'm out of touch with that a bit, and reading madly about wikis, agile development, and huge wads of internal documents for this company so I can understand what people are talking about and what's going on. So I'm in assimilation mode sucking in massive quantities of new data and also now work with about 30 people & most of them remote so my online-ness is tangled up with them quite a lot at the moment. There are a lot of blogging nicknames to make up and decisions about what kinds of things to say pseudonymously and not (as I am blogging on their site informally and will be doing so in a more formal register as well).
This has made me DESPERATE to go to bad ass mamas coffee and feel like my normal self again and a bit anchored in reality.
I have two... no, three.... rounds of bits of writing, batches of poems and junk, that are out with editors and that need constant updating and emailing and tending and that are not quite set in stone yet.
I have to prep for my blogging class.
The other jillion percent of my brain has been mooning around or spending endless hours on chat with the extremely charming and charismatic attention-flypapery Xyzzy being insane and giggly, exchanging compliments exactly like the Gentleman and the Lady in "The Masses are Asses" by Pietri, or else me talking about work and xyzzy being helpful and cheerleadery, or as i said, mooning around and whining about wanting to see each other soon; or bits of our life story illustrated amusingly with blog posts and flickr pictures; the exchanging of sappy music; or mutual totally retarded watching of things on youtube; in other words courtship. So that now I know that we talk every day either on chat or email or phone or all of that. It's funny to realize that's happening and look at my expectations and think "uh-oh..." or more accurately, "oh fuck!" And as it's embarrassing really to talk about that on blog for several reasons....there might be a bit of extra silence.
Where did this reticence come from! I think from the 2 years of Caraja being increasingly unnerved that I would blog too much about either her or her other partner. For example me and Caraja hung out writing in That Cafe on Sunday and then went to dinner and had the nicest talk about Life and Career and money and plans and our prospects as sort of downwardly mobile class status people, scaling our expectations away from our parents' boomer generation expectations. I pointed out that in their minds there is upwardly mobile to upper-middle-classdom, OR there is "homeless junkie on the street" and they do not really have any realistic picture of what life might be like in between. With the priorities being health insurance and some savings cushion for emergencies - and IRA of some kind, which we both have (her way more than me) not necessarily house-ownership & etc. And about ambition and fame and writing and etc. And i think I can say that in generalities without violating her privacy. We were able to talk about it in a much calmer way than usual and I felt upbeat and able to be really supportive and maybe helpful. I felt close and affectionate with her and lately (since we fought a few weeks ago) feel confident in our friendship. I mean, I'm still very distracted by her incredible creamy thighs, but I can handle that right? The things that are painful about our breakup still pop up but they feel weirdly encapsulated and I have some perspective now.
Also the reticence comes from my own increased visibility. Sometimes it feels here like I'm talking to my best friends, and I know I am. Sometimes it's like nobody is really listening. And then sometimes I know I'm overblogging by many people's standards and those people will not follow though they might check in once in a while to see what I'm up to, and that's cool too. But then other times a total stranger I meet personally or professionally will confess addiction to my underwear and mustaches and feminist rantings and deepest insecurities. Well! I have to keep trusting that's okay! I just went and looked at stats, and this braindump of a blog is still at around 3000 pageviews a week. Not counting feeds. Who are all those people? Do I still entertain them?
It doesn't matter, because I need to do the braindump to feel like myself & solidly in the world.
Meanwhile, my other blogs suffer. I was entertaining on Metblogs a bit lately about riding Caltrain... and blogged a little bit elsewhere.... I'm thinking of feeding all the other blog post titles into a sidebar thingie on this blog.
Sunday I'll be at actualhuman's Oscar blogging party; canapes and slutty ball gowns and blogging! So that will be a totally insane silly blast and you'll be entertained by my complete ignorance of movies and movie stars & celebrities. Actualhuman was appalled that I had no idea who Nicole Kidman was. This happens, and movies are named off, and even if I've seen the movie or a preview for it which I usually haven't, I don't know what the actors' names are. It's like a weird miracle that I know who Marky Mark is, and I'm rooting for him of course.
What is a canape, really?
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