Yesterday I was feeling very strange and kept sinking into a hideous edgy despair and wondering why. Like "wtf, why am i not happy at this very moment, when i should be? i suck! everything sucks! i especially suck! why do i feel like I want to sink into the ground?" and then while typing the words "I can't figure out why I feel so horrible" into ichat and wondering whether I blamed myself, the patriarchy, Darth Vader, or YOU... I realized I was pmsing yet again because it is the exact end of the month and then this morning I woke up bleeding and needing to levitate to the bathroom like that julie doucet cartoon. With this nasty crampy bitchy feeling I think I could kick the ass of the entire world. In fact possibly Godzilla was on the rag. If I weren't already convinced by the strangeness of nursing that hormones influence your mood -- because I'd get all antsy and anxious and weepy and hot-footed feeling if I didn't nurse regularly enough and then Moomin would nibble away and it was like a shot of smack right into the vein - Ahhhhhh - calm!!! --- then I'd be convinced now because regularly every month I start feeling like it's a giant battle to keep my usual cheerful optimism in place. Somoene twitches their finger and I want to cry because of the possible heat death of the universe or the pathos of kittens. It's that bad. Then I wondered whether I should be more physically active and had a little pointless fantasy that I should have kept my truck and set up a light hauling business. I pictured myself way in shape and with magically healthy back and knees, hauling bricks to the dump, wearing a battered jumpsuit as I cleaned out other people's garages again with magic non-allergies to dust, right down to the Amazon Light Hauling business cards. I may have shed a tear at this vision as well. I tell you, the day before my period I am insane.
Dude at least that fucking IUD is out and the bleeding part is completely reasonable now with only one "heavy" day. I look forward extremely to menopause.
I will drink a ton of coffee and take some tylenol and try to not sink into the semi-comatose "blah" state. I'm past "despair" and now into "oh, whatever, stare at ceiling" but would really, really, prefer to work today, to go through my notes form the trip and email people and work on some translations, and my new fabulous wiki. In fact I'd like to get the synchronized desktop mediawiki all working so i can work offline on it and do a push up to the server every so often! Think how nice that would be!