why am I still going out with my ex girlfriend... hmmm. because we like each other and like to do the same things sometimes? We wrote in a cafe for a good long while. I was feeling down and a bit tired and awkward, and by awkward of course I mean sad, mad, and my heart in a million pieces, but anyway I tried to wait that out and I did a lot of plugging away at first-draft translations, which was fun. we had really good sushi at the place at 16th and sanchez & I started to feel a bit better. Then to aardvark books where i found a lot of cool stuff for xmas presents for people. We talked some. then i felt way better. (i kind of wanted to tell her the weird space i'm in as i hear about the depressing messed up things about other people's relationships and power dynamics and how i feel about my own possible contribution to the world of that fuckedupedness. and that was sort of a relief b/c i knew she would get it.) She told me some interesting things about the current state of alzheimers research. and on to dance at disco night where i had a fabulous time. i like dancing there and seeing the muni trains go by. it seems extra festive. and the gay boys weren't snotty as they so often can be at clubs. i bounced around all insane-o in my christmas dress (which is ass-short) and my snazzy fluevog boots. C. was extra happy b/c it's her favorite music and the dj played a ton of good stuff she doesn't have and hadn't heard. Seeing her be extra happy and dancing around so spazzy and dorky and charming and full of enthusiasm and "get up and dance!"ness kind of didn't help me out there. But also kind of did. As usual. It's very strange to have a fantastic time and be happy and also be fucking unbelievably miserable.
At least I know there's one person who knows how I feel about this... Talking to L. made me feel a little better, b/c I know she knows how much I love C., how loveable she is, and the million reasons why, though so extremely exasperating, maddening, annoying, impossible, contradictory, glib, and unfair. and I know she agrees with me there. No one else could understand it, and I can't possibly explain it. that strikes me as being a funny thing about poly breakups. You know how you break up with someone and all your friends are like "oh, that bitch! humph! her loss!" to comfort you. But actually the sadness is helped by knowing that L. knows how I feel, like really.
I think about not blogging this and then I recall that on the first night we went out, I went to a reading where L. read out a giant thing about their sex life and gender identities, something she had published in some magazine or anthology... I think the world can stand a bit of my blogging and not stop dead in its tracks.
Well... WHATEVER.... argh...
The fun parts were fun. I have a near infinite capacity for fun. My knees don't... again... whatever to my knees! knees!!! whatfuckingever!
The videos they were projecting were hilarious - lots of breakdancing - excellent afros - grace jones - weird 80s chicks doing step aerobics - the most amazing outfits -
I liked the song that was obviously "your love is a life saver" but it sounded awfully like "your love is a light saber" and so I had excellent pictures in my head from this of the possible music video from 1982. my amusement over this lasted all the rest of the night.
you can SO have a mosh pit to disco and funk. you can to anything. Anything!