Once again... I find I don't own a respectable pair of jeans without holes. How is it possible, didn't I just buy some last year? Where did they go? It's time to buy some new black jeans for my formalwear and possible job interviews.
Also, I'm back up to my normal weight after the prolonged illness of fall & spring. That's a relief. But none of the newer clothes I have fit anymore - they don't fasten around my waist.
I did notice that being 115 pounds and 5 foot 3 made me visible to a lot of people who would not otherwise be looking. Men of all ages talked to me more; I registered on their radar; especially younger men. Strangers were nicer to me. I felt delicate, gamine, fairylike, boyish, less like a stumpy troll or sturdy pony, my default self-image. My thighs never chafed. Clothes all fit me without thought as to style or size. Women deferred to me or made direct remarks about my body, my luck, my probable self-discipline, my clothing, my eating habits, how they wished they were me or were like me. Bitter envy, queries for advice on eating habits and diets - I'm talking about this coming from relative strangers. When I'd say I was sick, I'm not kidding, but people would say at least it had a positive outcome, and would often tell a story of a relative with cancer... at least she got to die thin. Yo. That's fucked up. Do you hear me people? That's FUCKED UP.
That has now mostly stopped, with my exit from starving waif/teenage boyhood and return to normal-landia of 125-ish-ness and a stomach that bulges out comfortably, like a perfectly normal middle aged woman's usually does.
While it was nice to have all clothing automatically look fantastic on me, I am not sorry and in fact I happily say fuck off and goodbye to the fawning, sleazing, objectification, envy, and extra attention.
Thankfully the people around me congratulate me on looking like a human being again and on not being sick and miserable and unable to eat anything, even saltines, without excruciating pain.
Let's not go into what my mom will say. She was so happy. For her, being 5 foot and 115 is insanely fat. She said recently to me that it was only hard for her to consider because her "normal weight" was 100 for most of her life. Actually, I know this is completely untrue ... and I know this because for years she has reported her exact weight to me.
Am happy to be back on the job as a sturdy troll. My lap is comfortable again to children!