Once again... I find I don't own a respectable pair of jeans without holes. How is it possible, didn't I just buy some last year? Where did they go? It's time to buy some new black jeans for my formalwear and possible job interviews.
Also, I'm back up to my normal weight after the prolonged illness of fall & spring. That's a relief. But none of the newer clothes I have fit anymore - they don't fasten around my waist.
I did notice that being 115 pounds and 5 foot 3 made me visible to a lot of people who would not otherwise be looking. Men of all ages talked to me more; I registered on their radar; especially younger men. Strangers were nicer to me. I felt delicate, gamine, fairylike, boyish, less like a stumpy troll or sturdy pony, my default self-image. My thighs never chafed. Clothes all fit me without thought as to style or size. Women deferred to me or made direct remarks about my body, my luck, my probable self-discipline, my clothing, my eating habits, how they wished they were me or were like me. Bitter envy, queries for advice on eating habits and diets - I'm talking about this coming from relative strangers. When I'd say I was sick, I'm not kidding, but people would say at least it had a positive outcome, and would often tell a story of a relative with cancer... at least she got to die thin. Yo. That's fucked up. Do you hear me people? That's FUCKED UP.
That has now mostly stopped, with my exit from starving waif/teenage boyhood and return to normal-landia of 125-ish-ness and a stomach that bulges out comfortably, like a perfectly normal middle aged woman's usually does.
While it was nice to have all clothing automatically look fantastic on me, I am not sorry and in fact I happily say fuck off and goodbye to the fawning, sleazing, objectification, envy, and extra attention.
Thankfully the people around me congratulate me on looking like a human being again and on not being sick and miserable and unable to eat anything, even saltines, without excruciating pain.
Let's not go into what my mom will say. She was so happy. For her, being 5 foot and 115 is insanely fat. She said recently to me that it was only hard for her to consider because her "normal weight" was 100 for most of her life. Actually, I know this is completely untrue ... and I know this because for years she has reported her exact weight to me.
Am happy to be back on the job as a sturdy troll. My lap is comfortable again to children!
Found a link to your site on the "Sexy Science" blog.
Saw you had no comments :(
So here's one.
And P.S. cancer stories ARE fucked up.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 28, 2006 at 03:01 PM
125 is not a sturdy troll even on a 12 year old! this stuff seems even more pervasive that we suspected, huh?
Posted by: e | June 28, 2006 at 04:33 PM
Oh, man, I hate that crap. It's totally dismaying to read about.
Posted by: Lisa Hirsch | June 28, 2006 at 04:46 PM
i am so bummed my cute green plaid pants dont fit me anymore.
boo. i'm feeling awful about how i look. i have stopped brushing my teeth and washing my underarms.
Posted by: minnie | June 28, 2006 at 08:10 PM
in solidarity with minnie:
i haven't bathed in weeks and i'm going to start carrying old cheese in my pockets. so there.
Posted by: severin | June 28, 2006 at 09:16 PM
Well... i do understand the pants part. dammit, my electric blue brocaded pants might not last the month.
Perhaps I'll save them for the next bout of ulcers, to be the silver lining in the cloud when I'm wasting away.
Bah, I'm in a huge "brain in a jar" mood. Am sick of having a body at all.
Posted by: badgerbag | June 28, 2006 at 09:59 PM
me too actually. chewing is way to hard as is moving my limbs. and brains in jars never have appointments they have to get to and they never have to rush to the post office.
Posted by: minnie | June 29, 2006 at 08:27 AM
Boy, can I sympathize -- I had a similar experience myself several years ago, when I lost 80 pounds in 9 months due to undiagnosed type 1 diabetes. The clothes part was fun, but even though I was never clinically underweight I can truthfully say that I am happier with my body now (having gained back about 30 pounds of that) than I was when I was at my thinnest. In fact, I am happier with my body now than I have been at any time in my life -- partly because I have largely quit caring what strangers think about me based on my looks.
Posted by: garnet | June 30, 2006 at 10:22 PM