I had a cosy evening... it improved my mood a lot to dress Rook up like Joan Jett and send him off to Madeline's Dead Rock Stars party. I mean who would not cheer up at getting to use one's little-known skills -- If anyone knows how to put on slutty stoner chick eyeliner like it's 1982, it's me -- I was not one, but I learned from a master. (Thanks Julie.)
Chula came over to watch dr. who and blake's 7. alas that last episode of blake's 7 was incredibly dumb!!! It was the one with the pink-haired chick and her pink-haired samurai space pirate dad! GAH. Oh Avon, how low you have fallen in my esteem. I will always remember you the other way, with the understated sneering of a criminal mastermind, instead of the smirk of a grotesque poser!
After going back to the city on the train C. called me at 1:30am to say she had been hit by a van, a hit and run, but she is okay except for bruising I guess and the cop was brutal and stupid and accusatory, treating her like a lying crack-addled hooker. she went to the ER, they said she would be okay but stiff and bruised etc. and i hope they catch that hit and run fuckhead, who was probably drunk, and i hope the cop catches some hell also for being an asshole and traumatizing her...
Moomin woke up about every half hour all night and came to ask me random questions like "Do otters eat only fish?" and "Will you cuddle me?" I could not figure out what the hell was up with him. His allergies were super bad, so possibly he just kept waking up with a stuffy nose.
I ate a cookie and some warm milk... I feel almost normal! Except anything warm or cold that I eat hurts a lot. The other pain has calmed down ... Maybe that means it's all ulcers and it's getting better.
Yesterday afternoon I cried all over Rook ... I freaked out a little bit on-blog but what I was really feeling was a million times worse. I suddenly felt that I had no one to tell the depth of the horribleness. And was like "Rook, I am actually a pathetic loser. And you are totally deluded. And I'm just probably making myself sick in some mysterious neurotic way, because I was happy and must always sabotage my own happiness and success before i actually accomplish anything, because I'm fucked up. " He reassured me this was not true, and later I also confessed this terrible feeling to C. who mentioned that she and Rook are both quite intelligent and I should trust their judgement that I'm actually nice, sane, and loveable. This was even more reassuring. And then I kind of remembered that every single time I'm sick, even just with a cold or a mild sore throat that might be a cold or might be post-nasal drip, I skate around the edge of this very same tailspin of self-doubt and loathing. But, that doesn't mean that SOMEDAY IT MIGHT TURN OUT TO BE TRUE. Also, I realize on some level that my believing that I can magically think myself into being not-sick, is a symptom of my monstrous ego in that I think I am the center of the entire universe and can control it. Ha...
Then I read this novel by Denise Mina - and I loved "Garnethill" very much - but I did not love "Deception" since all the people in it were assholes and the main plot "twist" was OMG THEY'RE LESBIANS. Don't you hate that? Like in "psion" or was it the other Joan Vinge novel where the thing that lets the hero know that the villain is the villain is that... *gasp* she has some leather s/m sex toys under her bed, so... obviously she is an evil sadist capable of the worst crimes against humanity? And in Deception it's all about the "I never in a million years would have guessed she was an evil/foolish lesbian!" Er. How dull! I could sort of follow the double identity plot but it was sprung without much warning right near the end... and it was lame.
I'm going to have some soup... Moomin has a playdate... maybe I can go to kinkos and finish my translation magazine layout and then go to the nice independent copy store to print it... I need 200 copies minimum. I only have maybe 50 left from the first issue which was 400 copies.
Yes! It is so annoying that she is suddenly crap when so good before. Do you know Carol O'Connell who I really like but has to be read in strict order? I could send if you want.Reading all this in detail I see that everything I said sounds like some boring old granny at the bus stop,so ignore.
Posted by: Iris | October 30, 2005 at 12:40 PM
No actually since I have about 20 moods at once everything you said was interesting, useful, and distracting... as always.
Posted by: badgerbag | October 30, 2005 at 12:49 PM
Going to Dragon Boy's party?
Posted by: Jo | October 30, 2005 at 01:27 PM
No... I wish. I forgot to take the ulcer meds this morning, ate some food, and had pangs of pain so bad I had to clutch onto the wall and sit down, like the transitional phase of labor. Whoops.
I am resting.
Rook and Moomin are off to the party though!
Posted by: badgerbag | October 30, 2005 at 02:33 PM
I don't know anything about your medical history, but you've mentioned spending some time in a wheelchair, so I figure something really heavy went down with your health.
So I think it's totally natural for you to freak out when you're not feeling well. Your body's totally betrayed you before and you're probably on guard for more.
Posted by: Ms. Jane | October 31, 2005 at 08:04 AM