I am fretting a little because the book is not Perfect.
Pastiche was just over and was very helpful for making me get everything together. We looked at it all page by page twice, fixing page breaks. Once you twiddle one, everything else fucks up. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW CRAP about layout. But it looks pretty good anyway.
There will be Mistakes. There will be places where if I had put in more effort i could have laid out a poem - especially the ones with really long lines - better on the page, or more consistently in line with the others.
Someone will be offended by some of these mistakes... I will have fucked up their work and disappointed them...
It is also only by turning off my own brain that I am able to cope with laying out my own stuff on the page or putting it on the CD. The ability to disassociate is sometimes quite valuable.
The other people who are vaguely ambitious or active - the givers of workshops, etc. - will want to kill me and pastiche. For not including them - for doing something that they hadn't thought of - etc. - for the revelation that we were sort of a secret cabal of people meeting w/out inviting other people on purpose... what? you were having these secret private readings and didn't ask ME? and then i guess me making recordings, and now us making the book, makes that secret private cabal seem more important than it really was/is. I swear to god. People around here complain that no one will publish them, or that there is no way to crack into some kind of a market for poetry, but then.. why don't they make something beyond some dreary little books of their own work? or sitting around taking each other's back-patting workshops and wishing upon a star and feeling inferior? I swear to fucking god it's like I'm about to be slapped for not also feeling all inferior. Why should i go around feeling worthless and like unless i suck ferl3nghetti's or dana gi0ia's dick nothing i do is worth anything? I wish people would get a little confidence. do they think the pope is going to come down from heaven, give them an MFA, and declare they are Real Poets now?
what i am hoping is that the bomb will explode, the dust will settle, and someone will realize "hey. we have these readings every month and they are often fantastic. why don't we do something other than xerox them and pass them around once in a while. Why don't we publish a huge collection of W@verley Writers? If they would do this it would be fantastic. Truly (besides ennobling the stuff i really want to go together because i think it is great) this is what i want to happen. More people should do stuff and take themselves seriously. Because then better things happen and ideas fly around and more people see it and can respond and IN THEORY everything gets better. right? evolution? why is this not obvious?
I am really afraid of the merciless backbiting and nasty criticisms i am about to experience. I haven't even really gotten any yet, though, sort of. but I am shaking in my shoes. and a little resentful as I feel like it will be criticism for successfully imagining something and then carrying it out or like punishment for trying.
On the good side, Pastiche described A.'s reaction to the manuscript (A. being one of my favorite 2 poets in it) "FUCK. FUCK!....... FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! THIS IS FUCKING GREAT!" very gratifying. I wish I'd seen it. you know what. i don't think it's actually all THAT great. but hey. it's better than usual. what i love is pocket poets, black sparrow, etc. and the world of zines. And two lines also very great. DOES THE WORLD REALLY NEED ANOTHER PALE, CHINTZY IMITATION OF THIS? Or This? Or this thing (run by first class assholes in power suits)?
Anyway all that will really happen is we will sell maybe half of them and then it will be forgotten. But there will be a small ripple effect.
I am also fretting because I do not own one of these. I mean really. Have you read those "testimoanials"? I remember seeing some early version of this thing in old issues of on our backs from like 1989. It looks even more interesting now. I always kind of wanted to ride the bull at Gilley's - this looks MUCH BETTER doesn't it?